After so long thinking it was under control....all the supplements.....the Vit C IV's, the Mistletoe Injections, the herbs, the diet, the thousands of dollars....all of it.....its back.....
Another lump.
If it hadn't been for my doctor finding me on linked in (yup that site creates miracles) and convincing me to come in and see him for a follow up check, I might not have found it. I was so convinced I would be fine, as I was saying the words, "I will be fine", he said "I feel something".
Boom. A small needle biopsy moving on to the big needle biopsy and on into a pathology that said CANCER.
Sigh. Shake angry fist at God. Collapse into tears. Meditate all morning, praying for guidance.
And just a week before I was going to Costa Rica.....planning my life and workshops and classes and....
Life made other plans, again.
Okay, the pity party is over. I cancelled that act this morning. Now its action time and being logical. So much foot work to this journey, emails, phone calls, care taking, eating, ordering, researching, its just a full time job. Now I am trying to set up my room to be a sanctuary because it seems I will be spending more time here in these tiny walls. Light the candles paint the walls hang up the sacred stuff, make it pretty. I never fully moved in because I honestly didnt think I would be staying here that long, thank god for girlfriends and homes.
Now, to focus on this little lump in my upper left boob, looking so dark on the sonnegram, being fed by god knows what, being heard by who knows how....what a mess. Or is it?
I vascillate between the pity party and this strange sense of wanting to tackle a healing project. I am made for this stuff.....I have passed thru worse than this in life upon life, famine, torture, death, disease, abortion, this cancer stuff is really just grist for the mill. Except when the demons come out....like masectomy, hair loss, infertility....why does God want to threaten me with my female parts? Who does he think he is to play these games with me? It is not FAIR nor RIGHT nor what is SUPPOSED To happen....didnt he read the script? He is directing the WRONG movie...somebody please tell him so he can pencil back in boobs and long flowing hair and lovely children suckling from my very real and unsagging boobs. (I threw the unsagging in there as a payback)
Of course now, when I am upset with life, God becomes a Man and not the Goddess.....Goddess wouldn't do this, only a strict Man who thinks I have done wrong and I still need to be punished. And not punished in that titillating playful way, like really punished. Like hack of your boobs and steal your ovaries and make you damaged goods that will never find a nice man and settle down...although I never wanted to settle down but now suddenly it seems very nice, especially with that white picket fence....No you WONT!! I want to scream.......No you wont take my fairy tale away from me.
And who knows...really. Where is this leading? Who knows. Maybe God doesn't even know, maybe he is as suprised as I am. Maybe. Maybe God doesn't care how I feel about it, maybe its just supposed to happen for reasons I may never know. Its just how the atoms and molecules were split at my conception and maybe I give God too much credit. Maybe he is just bumbling along just like me, forgetting to put on deodorant and call the Tax Lady back. Maybe.
I am so sick of this God business and this Karma business and anything that has to do with me finding ways that I fucked up in my life and therefore created this cancer and am supposed to not get mad at anyone or anything because somewhere I called it to me so how can I blame anyone. Really? Fuck you. Really. I think this "reasoning" was made up by people who are afraid to face that fact that is could happen to them and there is no "reason" that can somehow be controlled so that you can feel better about not having it or ever getting it because you are doing all the "right" things that will make it so you don't get it. I am throwing that guilt trip out the window of the 85th floor of the high rise called "Let it Be". The Beatles can now be God, they make more sense anyway. Was John Lennon a bad guy because somebody shot him? Or Martin Luther King? Yeah those theories don't really hold when you look at the bad shit that happens to good people that also seem somehow touched by the hand of God.
For now, I have cancer because in some strange reality seemingly far from this one, but actually right along side it, it makes sense. Because, whatever fortitude that made me write this post had to come up and thru and out and Life (fuck God) wanted it to be that way because it is more interesting than sitting in a suburban house peeling apples. Because, some screwey people decided it would be great to fuck with the environment and put weird things in food, and poison the waters, and pollute the air because well, in a strange twisted way it made them money that they then thought they would do good things with but never got around too, because they were out making more money. Because I am not so important as I think I am and because life just happens while you are busy making other plans.
To be continued.
Another lump.
If it hadn't been for my doctor finding me on linked in (yup that site creates miracles) and convincing me to come in and see him for a follow up check, I might not have found it. I was so convinced I would be fine, as I was saying the words, "I will be fine", he said "I feel something".
Boom. A small needle biopsy moving on to the big needle biopsy and on into a pathology that said CANCER.
Sigh. Shake angry fist at God. Collapse into tears. Meditate all morning, praying for guidance.
And just a week before I was going to Costa Rica.....planning my life and workshops and classes and....
Life made other plans, again.
Okay, the pity party is over. I cancelled that act this morning. Now its action time and being logical. So much foot work to this journey, emails, phone calls, care taking, eating, ordering, researching, its just a full time job. Now I am trying to set up my room to be a sanctuary because it seems I will be spending more time here in these tiny walls. Light the candles paint the walls hang up the sacred stuff, make it pretty. I never fully moved in because I honestly didnt think I would be staying here that long, thank god for girlfriends and homes.
Now, to focus on this little lump in my upper left boob, looking so dark on the sonnegram, being fed by god knows what, being heard by who knows how....what a mess. Or is it?
I vascillate between the pity party and this strange sense of wanting to tackle a healing project. I am made for this stuff.....I have passed thru worse than this in life upon life, famine, torture, death, disease, abortion, this cancer stuff is really just grist for the mill. Except when the demons come out....like masectomy, hair loss, infertility....why does God want to threaten me with my female parts? Who does he think he is to play these games with me? It is not FAIR nor RIGHT nor what is SUPPOSED To happen....didnt he read the script? He is directing the WRONG movie...somebody please tell him so he can pencil back in boobs and long flowing hair and lovely children suckling from my very real and unsagging boobs. (I threw the unsagging in there as a payback)
Of course now, when I am upset with life, God becomes a Man and not the Goddess.....Goddess wouldn't do this, only a strict Man who thinks I have done wrong and I still need to be punished. And not punished in that titillating playful way, like really punished. Like hack of your boobs and steal your ovaries and make you damaged goods that will never find a nice man and settle down...although I never wanted to settle down but now suddenly it seems very nice, especially with that white picket fence....No you WONT!! I want to scream.......No you wont take my fairy tale away from me.
And who knows...really. Where is this leading? Who knows. Maybe God doesn't even know, maybe he is as suprised as I am. Maybe. Maybe God doesn't care how I feel about it, maybe its just supposed to happen for reasons I may never know. Its just how the atoms and molecules were split at my conception and maybe I give God too much credit. Maybe he is just bumbling along just like me, forgetting to put on deodorant and call the Tax Lady back. Maybe.
I am so sick of this God business and this Karma business and anything that has to do with me finding ways that I fucked up in my life and therefore created this cancer and am supposed to not get mad at anyone or anything because somewhere I called it to me so how can I blame anyone. Really? Fuck you. Really. I think this "reasoning" was made up by people who are afraid to face that fact that is could happen to them and there is no "reason" that can somehow be controlled so that you can feel better about not having it or ever getting it because you are doing all the "right" things that will make it so you don't get it. I am throwing that guilt trip out the window of the 85th floor of the high rise called "Let it Be". The Beatles can now be God, they make more sense anyway. Was John Lennon a bad guy because somebody shot him? Or Martin Luther King? Yeah those theories don't really hold when you look at the bad shit that happens to good people that also seem somehow touched by the hand of God.
For now, I have cancer because in some strange reality seemingly far from this one, but actually right along side it, it makes sense. Because, whatever fortitude that made me write this post had to come up and thru and out and Life (fuck God) wanted it to be that way because it is more interesting than sitting in a suburban house peeling apples. Because, some screwey people decided it would be great to fuck with the environment and put weird things in food, and poison the waters, and pollute the air because well, in a strange twisted way it made them money that they then thought they would do good things with but never got around too, because they were out making more money. Because I am not so important as I think I am and because life just happens while you are busy making other plans.
To be continued.
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