Finally. The hour has arrived where I can clear myself of this ridiculousness. RIDICULOUSNESS....is a word that has the word dick in the middle of it. Do I sound lewd? Well I dont really care. I give myself full permission to be tastefully lewd. Okay first I am going to pause and think positive thoughts and send love to all the people I am mad at right now.......
Okay. Now I can be mad again. Anyway every time I thought of them, I just thought, but they are so ridiculous how can I be mad, its almost comical. Except. It really isn't. It is REDICKULESS....meaning you were a dick again and were less than you could have been. Okay enough semantics. Lets get to the story.
First of all. If you have been reading this blog you understand that I have elected not to do chemotherapy. Brave girl that I am. Or some may say stupid. Or some may say, intelligient. Or some don't say anything because it is too overwhelming for them to take it all in. They just stare in wide eyed wonder and say "oh"...oh well. Anyway, the point is I ain't doing the stuff. So that means, the traditional guys want nothing to do with me, because basically I have defected. I have "gone holistic" as they like to say. Which means I now belong with the people that don't shower all that much and probably smoked a lot of pot in med school and believe in unseen realities that don't exist because they have a hard time believing in what is right in front of their faces, like "the facts". Because as we know our current reality, is solid and never changing and what we see it what we get. Based on facts. Its true. Just ask politicians. Ha! ....okay, anyway...you get my point. I am being sarcastic, if you didnt get my point and if you have been reading this blog, you know that I get sarcastic when I am really freakin pissed off. Because if I dont mask it with sarcasm then I might just say things that are mean. And blogging isnt about being mean. Its about ....I don't know what blogging is about actually. I am sure some would argue it is definitely not about literature.
Okay, so here it is. I defected from the traditional white coats, and headed over to the holistic white coats. Come to think of it this new guy wasn't wearing a white coat he was wearing a Yamulke...(spelling?) and a nice navy suit. His eyes were blue, like ice....or the ocean, depending on how hopeful I was at his savior abilities. And I sat there in my yoga back pack, girlish way, resting my chin on my hands that were perched on his desk, feeling comfortable to like break the body language of upright chair doctor's office posture, because, look this guy was in my tribe man, he wasn't no straight lace, boring nerd who actually took the text books as truth, he was a renegade, a rebel, he had defected too! He was HOLISTIC .....And jewish on top of it, alright, now we were allies!-- oppressed people, fighting for a cause, bucking the system, confronting the mainstream, challenging the cliche.....Right?
And there were moments, moments when I knew he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that not doing chemo was right, I mean he had serious moments when I felt, he really was taking this journey with me. This was a crusade, and he was my homey, we were riding the no chemo horse together, we were gonna go this distance, we were gonna make it. And as I was thinking that, you know, the appointment ended a half hour after it started, $400 dollars later and I was being given some pills and sheduled for some Vit C IV, which he said...at least once a week if not twice is ideal. I paid a bunch of money, they gave me some sort of discount for a package of IVs and some shots of B 12 in my butt and I was in the elevator going down to Lexington avenue to walk thru a sea of suits and ties at lunch on a busy midtown afternoon. People were looking fancy, educated, you know sophisticated up there, like they must have it all together, look they aren't smiling, they must know something important, like about how to make money and spend it....oh I don't know maybe they were thinking about a hamburger, but they weren't smiling a whole lot and looked rushed and busy.
So I went home to brooklyn, yes way out there where there are things like trees and apartments the size of walk in closets and I looked forward to my first IV that next week. Well, that week came and went, I had the IV and I waited to see how I felt until the following week when I scheduled another IV...but that one felt so good, I said well, lets go for a second one in the week, after all my homey crusader Mr. Holistic Doctor said two in one week is ideal. Lets treat myself right! So I called the office feeling all responsible and on task...a good patient, a responsible patient, filled with hope for the future, trust in the Homey Holistic Doctor and grateful such a fine city like New York could provide me with such educated and sophisticated professionals in which to get my treatment.
" I am sorry ma'm" when did I start being a ma'm?-- " The office is on vacation for the next two weeks but we can fit you in on thursday...." Thursday??? Thats two weeks away! " Well we dont have anything available until then" Are you serious? I just was in the office four days ago and nobody mentioned this. " I am terribley sorry, the nurse wont be back until then, she is on vacation".....!!!!!!!!
Why would you reccomend a 1-2 time a week treatment and then go on vacation and not even tell me? This is RIDICULOUSNESS...." Well shall I make an appointment for you then? Anyway the doctor always says it doesnt really impact you if you have a gap of time between treatments" Oh really? Is that supposed to make me feel better, seeing as I just plunked down 3000$ for all these treatments that I "needed" and were good for me? Now you are saying I dont really even need them? I feel confused....either what you are offering doesnt really work or you have just screwed up my treatments plans royally and I paid for it. Okay yeah, put me down for next thursday, what else can I do? "Great see you then!" Yeah okay. Ridiculous office of ridiculous people...yeah okay. See you then. By the way did I mention, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I am not doing chemo, but instead coming to your office to have you help treat me? I mean I don;t mean to be a pain in your neck, but in case you forgot.
Next wednesday rolls around. Oops, I double booked my mover with the Vit C IV date. I call them to change it to friday, because as we know, by thrusday they are back in the office. I call. I call again. I call again. I call a few more times....the answering machine keeps saying the office is open this week and listing the hours but no one seems to answer...and there is no recorded message of a holiday. " Hi the office is on vacation at the time you need them the most. Sorry if we didnt tell you before, but now you know" There was nothing....Finally I get ahold of a very nice, but nervous english lady. Hi, I need to reschedule to friday I double booked and can't change my movers. "Oh we are on vacation until the 7th--all next week and after the weekend" !!!!!!!! HUH? But they told me thrusday you all were coming back....Now it will be 3 weeks of no treatment. This is crazy. "I am so very very sorry, I completely understand. But everyone is on vacation" WELL NOBODY TOLD ME ANY OF THIS ESPECIALLY NOT THE UNTIL SEPT 7TH PART!!? Hey, did I mention, maybe its in the notes, I don;t know why they would write it down but maybe they would just in interest of the patient, but I am NOT doing chemotherapy so this IS my treatment, its not just, so like my hair doesnt fall out, its like so I dont get cancer ever again....and you all just prolonged my treatment by 3 weeks and I am about to reach thru the phone and pull out your english hair and weave myself a whip to bring back in to the office and have my way with you all. Yeah I got a little mideivel....midtown brings it out in me.
Well, I didnt say that. She was english. They don't like impolite american banter. I felt bad that she was getting the brunt of my frustration, poor little english secretary everyone just ditched to go on vacation...fielding all the hostile phone calls, who else didn't they tell? Was it just me? I certainly hope the doctor knew, I hope they weren't all out riding his yacht without him, where is the doctor? Oh shit, we forgot to tell him it was vacation time! Oh wait no, there he is, sipping a beer starboard, rubbing suntan oil on his knish belly while he dreams of his next big book " How to Cure People Without Being in the Office". For dummies.
Okay sarcasm aside for a minute....does anyone think this is RIDICULOUS to the maximum? As if this maze of doctors couldn't get any more, yes I will say it again RIDICULOUS....I cannot fathom how this could have happened. I mean, go down the list and call everybody. Put a mark next to their name that you talked to them. Call back if not. Go back over the list. I am not pro secretary of a doctors office, but I know if I had people with life threatening diseases, I would be up all night making sure they knew I was going out to my yacht for a few weeks with the nurse and all the IV's. I mean if only in interest of my book or in interest of my Yelp complaints or I dont know, in interest of my patients, the human beings that depend on me and my staff to do their jobs. Not just because we make shoes and people need good shoes, but because, people have cancer and diabetes, and epilepsy and because well, I make a ton of money to help these people. And without their money, I certainly don't get a yacht, nor do I get a fancy suit, nor do I get a big office nor do I get the prestigious titles. Its really in your best interest.
But no. You would rather be ridiculous and rub suntan oil on your belly, while I pull out your secretary's hair and hold it for ransom. My book, is going to be better than yours. And for sure, you are not invited on my vacation.
Okay. Now I can be mad again. Anyway every time I thought of them, I just thought, but they are so ridiculous how can I be mad, its almost comical. Except. It really isn't. It is REDICKULESS....meaning you were a dick again and were less than you could have been. Okay enough semantics. Lets get to the story.
First of all. If you have been reading this blog you understand that I have elected not to do chemotherapy. Brave girl that I am. Or some may say stupid. Or some may say, intelligient. Or some don't say anything because it is too overwhelming for them to take it all in. They just stare in wide eyed wonder and say "oh"...oh well. Anyway, the point is I ain't doing the stuff. So that means, the traditional guys want nothing to do with me, because basically I have defected. I have "gone holistic" as they like to say. Which means I now belong with the people that don't shower all that much and probably smoked a lot of pot in med school and believe in unseen realities that don't exist because they have a hard time believing in what is right in front of their faces, like "the facts". Because as we know our current reality, is solid and never changing and what we see it what we get. Based on facts. Its true. Just ask politicians. Ha! ....okay, anyway...you get my point. I am being sarcastic, if you didnt get my point and if you have been reading this blog, you know that I get sarcastic when I am really freakin pissed off. Because if I dont mask it with sarcasm then I might just say things that are mean. And blogging isnt about being mean. Its about ....I don't know what blogging is about actually. I am sure some would argue it is definitely not about literature.
Okay, so here it is. I defected from the traditional white coats, and headed over to the holistic white coats. Come to think of it this new guy wasn't wearing a white coat he was wearing a Yamulke...(spelling?) and a nice navy suit. His eyes were blue, like ice....or the ocean, depending on how hopeful I was at his savior abilities. And I sat there in my yoga back pack, girlish way, resting my chin on my hands that were perched on his desk, feeling comfortable to like break the body language of upright chair doctor's office posture, because, look this guy was in my tribe man, he wasn't no straight lace, boring nerd who actually took the text books as truth, he was a renegade, a rebel, he had defected too! He was HOLISTIC .....And jewish on top of it, alright, now we were allies!-- oppressed people, fighting for a cause, bucking the system, confronting the mainstream, challenging the cliche.....Right?
And there were moments, moments when I knew he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that not doing chemo was right, I mean he had serious moments when I felt, he really was taking this journey with me. This was a crusade, and he was my homey, we were riding the no chemo horse together, we were gonna go this distance, we were gonna make it. And as I was thinking that, you know, the appointment ended a half hour after it started, $400 dollars later and I was being given some pills and sheduled for some Vit C IV, which he said...at least once a week if not twice is ideal. I paid a bunch of money, they gave me some sort of discount for a package of IVs and some shots of B 12 in my butt and I was in the elevator going down to Lexington avenue to walk thru a sea of suits and ties at lunch on a busy midtown afternoon. People were looking fancy, educated, you know sophisticated up there, like they must have it all together, look they aren't smiling, they must know something important, like about how to make money and spend it....oh I don't know maybe they were thinking about a hamburger, but they weren't smiling a whole lot and looked rushed and busy.
So I went home to brooklyn, yes way out there where there are things like trees and apartments the size of walk in closets and I looked forward to my first IV that next week. Well, that week came and went, I had the IV and I waited to see how I felt until the following week when I scheduled another IV...but that one felt so good, I said well, lets go for a second one in the week, after all my homey crusader Mr. Holistic Doctor said two in one week is ideal. Lets treat myself right! So I called the office feeling all responsible and on task...a good patient, a responsible patient, filled with hope for the future, trust in the Homey Holistic Doctor and grateful such a fine city like New York could provide me with such educated and sophisticated professionals in which to get my treatment.
" I am sorry ma'm" when did I start being a ma'm?-- " The office is on vacation for the next two weeks but we can fit you in on thursday...." Thursday??? Thats two weeks away! " Well we dont have anything available until then" Are you serious? I just was in the office four days ago and nobody mentioned this. " I am terribley sorry, the nurse wont be back until then, she is on vacation".....!!!!!!!!
Why would you reccomend a 1-2 time a week treatment and then go on vacation and not even tell me? This is RIDICULOUSNESS...." Well shall I make an appointment for you then? Anyway the doctor always says it doesnt really impact you if you have a gap of time between treatments" Oh really? Is that supposed to make me feel better, seeing as I just plunked down 3000$ for all these treatments that I "needed" and were good for me? Now you are saying I dont really even need them? I feel confused....either what you are offering doesnt really work or you have just screwed up my treatments plans royally and I paid for it. Okay yeah, put me down for next thursday, what else can I do? "Great see you then!" Yeah okay. Ridiculous office of ridiculous people...yeah okay. See you then. By the way did I mention, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I am not doing chemo, but instead coming to your office to have you help treat me? I mean I don;t mean to be a pain in your neck, but in case you forgot.
Next wednesday rolls around. Oops, I double booked my mover with the Vit C IV date. I call them to change it to friday, because as we know, by thrusday they are back in the office. I call. I call again. I call again. I call a few more times....the answering machine keeps saying the office is open this week and listing the hours but no one seems to answer...and there is no recorded message of a holiday. " Hi the office is on vacation at the time you need them the most. Sorry if we didnt tell you before, but now you know" There was nothing....Finally I get ahold of a very nice, but nervous english lady. Hi, I need to reschedule to friday I double booked and can't change my movers. "Oh we are on vacation until the 7th--all next week and after the weekend" !!!!!!!! HUH? But they told me thrusday you all were coming back....Now it will be 3 weeks of no treatment. This is crazy. "I am so very very sorry, I completely understand. But everyone is on vacation" WELL NOBODY TOLD ME ANY OF THIS ESPECIALLY NOT THE UNTIL SEPT 7TH PART!!? Hey, did I mention, maybe its in the notes, I don;t know why they would write it down but maybe they would just in interest of the patient, but I am NOT doing chemotherapy so this IS my treatment, its not just, so like my hair doesnt fall out, its like so I dont get cancer ever again....and you all just prolonged my treatment by 3 weeks and I am about to reach thru the phone and pull out your english hair and weave myself a whip to bring back in to the office and have my way with you all. Yeah I got a little mideivel....midtown brings it out in me.
Well, I didnt say that. She was english. They don't like impolite american banter. I felt bad that she was getting the brunt of my frustration, poor little english secretary everyone just ditched to go on vacation...fielding all the hostile phone calls, who else didn't they tell? Was it just me? I certainly hope the doctor knew, I hope they weren't all out riding his yacht without him, where is the doctor? Oh shit, we forgot to tell him it was vacation time! Oh wait no, there he is, sipping a beer starboard, rubbing suntan oil on his knish belly while he dreams of his next big book " How to Cure People Without Being in the Office". For dummies.
Okay sarcasm aside for a minute....does anyone think this is RIDICULOUS to the maximum? As if this maze of doctors couldn't get any more, yes I will say it again RIDICULOUS....I cannot fathom how this could have happened. I mean, go down the list and call everybody. Put a mark next to their name that you talked to them. Call back if not. Go back over the list. I am not pro secretary of a doctors office, but I know if I had people with life threatening diseases, I would be up all night making sure they knew I was going out to my yacht for a few weeks with the nurse and all the IV's. I mean if only in interest of my book or in interest of my Yelp complaints or I dont know, in interest of my patients, the human beings that depend on me and my staff to do their jobs. Not just because we make shoes and people need good shoes, but because, people have cancer and diabetes, and epilepsy and because well, I make a ton of money to help these people. And without their money, I certainly don't get a yacht, nor do I get a fancy suit, nor do I get a big office nor do I get the prestigious titles. Its really in your best interest.
But no. You would rather be ridiculous and rub suntan oil on your belly, while I pull out your secretary's hair and hold it for ransom. My book, is going to be better than yours. And for sure, you are not invited on my vacation.
