You see the thing is, this cancer story is not about "not dying". Its not about getting rid of cancer so that I can live a long and happy life. Of course it is about living a long and happy life, but if I am truly honest with myself, before the cancer, I was having some deep things troubling me and I don't think I was living as in tune with the soul as I deeply wanted to be. There were pockets of intense separation from life, of missing something I could not put my finger on, moments of finding it so full and rich and deep inside, only to be lost again in the darker corners of self rejection, and a sense of belonging no where, of not finding a sense of rightness, of connection, of purpose. And of aching to find that "fit" I thought others were finding with a partner or work or a place....a sense of belonging. The truth is I had those things, but when the darkness of the soul comes, it covers everything in grey, and the gems of your life look pale, as if their sparkle was the lie, not the actual lie itself. Its tricky that part of the soul. But it plays it's part in the healing and the growing, in the flowering into the actuality of our light. We are light. Its not a nice spiritual idea. Its the truth.
So the thing is in this chemotherapy/breast cancer journey is on the outside it looks like one must save their life, prevent death. But, to me what I have found, is what life? What life am I preserving? Because even before the cancer I was in a way rejecting my life, and not fully living. Many people would argue with me and say "oh you live this fabulous life between NYC and Costa Rica with these amazing communities of dance and living in a tribe and celebrating the healthy life on the earth....and this is true, life has showered me with blessings. But inside, there was a disconnect happening, a deep rejection, a sense of carrying something in me that would always be broken, that no matter how many dances/ceremonies/people I could find, this broken part could never be fixed. And I feel the breast cancer came to wake me up out of that lie, and to give me back life, to shake me out of that dark corner of illusion.
Its tricky with western medicine. I want to believe their charts and graphs and studies are based on something I can hold on to. That the men in white coats can be my heroes and "cure" me. Except their work is based on an idea that makes absolutely no sense to me. That the body is somehow separate from our souls, that it is just this machine we have to fix, and that our hearts and minds have no bearing on it. There is a whole branch of medicine and science that they simply don't look at, that they aren't allowed to look at and an industry that is making a ridiculous amount of money off of the same treatments. How can I blindly follow that? Especially when I know this cancer is not about "saving" my life, but about living life, that to really live life, I MUST follow the inner heart, the inner knowing. To really stand for what I know is the truth. And the truth is we don't know life's plan for us. And one day we will die, life is not "ours", we will have to surrender these bodies back to the earth, and continue on in directions none of us really knows, but can only trust are there and are kind. So the real issue is not preventing death, death is inevitable, the real source of contemplation is how do we want to live?
From that question, I arrive at the knowing that chemotherapy is not the only way and that nature is our friend and ally, she is our mother and she does have the ability to cure. I am sure I could do the chemotherapy and be fine, minimal side effects (maybe-hopefully no long term ones either) and I would move on with my life, its not like chemotherapy is the outright devil. . I don't look at it that way. But chemotherapy does tax the body in an intense way, it kills not only cancer but healthy cells as well and there is no guarantee that the cancer wont come back. There is no guarantee that a cancer cell may have split off after the chemo missed it and now, the immune system is so depleted after the chemo that it can't do its job to take care of it as it would naturally. But to do chemotherapy without at least allowing in the wisdom of nature, without at least looking for alternative ways that are based on the foundation that the body/mind/spirit are all connected, seems to me backwards. Chemotherapy should be a last resort....unfortunately cancer has become such a big ugly thing, that the fear factor kicks in and I have found myself making decisions from a place of panic rather than giving myself a chance to take a breath and tune in. Why would a health care provider want me in a state of fear, if he or she really understood how that impacts our health overall? What kind of awareness is that? And do I want to follow that kind of guidance? Coming from that kind of thinking?
This is the way of life I wish to return to, a way of life in trust, to create life out of this cancer challenge. A new LIFE...not a fear of dying, or a running from dying. But a deep embrace of life, a deep embrace of living fully. And I just think that life lived fully is about trusting the body and listening deeply to her call. Cancer is not a death sentence, and it is not an evil monster, nor is death....To embrace life we must embrace death, to embrace timelessness we must embrace time, everything in its right place, every part plays itself in harmony with all the other parts. And I have no doubt chemotherapy is playing its perfect role as well, except for now, not on my time.....
So the thing is in this chemotherapy/breast cancer journey is on the outside it looks like one must save their life, prevent death. But, to me what I have found, is what life? What life am I preserving? Because even before the cancer I was in a way rejecting my life, and not fully living. Many people would argue with me and say "oh you live this fabulous life between NYC and Costa Rica with these amazing communities of dance and living in a tribe and celebrating the healthy life on the earth....and this is true, life has showered me with blessings. But inside, there was a disconnect happening, a deep rejection, a sense of carrying something in me that would always be broken, that no matter how many dances/ceremonies/people I could find, this broken part could never be fixed. And I feel the breast cancer came to wake me up out of that lie, and to give me back life, to shake me out of that dark corner of illusion.
Its tricky with western medicine. I want to believe their charts and graphs and studies are based on something I can hold on to. That the men in white coats can be my heroes and "cure" me. Except their work is based on an idea that makes absolutely no sense to me. That the body is somehow separate from our souls, that it is just this machine we have to fix, and that our hearts and minds have no bearing on it. There is a whole branch of medicine and science that they simply don't look at, that they aren't allowed to look at and an industry that is making a ridiculous amount of money off of the same treatments. How can I blindly follow that? Especially when I know this cancer is not about "saving" my life, but about living life, that to really live life, I MUST follow the inner heart, the inner knowing. To really stand for what I know is the truth. And the truth is we don't know life's plan for us. And one day we will die, life is not "ours", we will have to surrender these bodies back to the earth, and continue on in directions none of us really knows, but can only trust are there and are kind. So the real issue is not preventing death, death is inevitable, the real source of contemplation is how do we want to live?
From that question, I arrive at the knowing that chemotherapy is not the only way and that nature is our friend and ally, she is our mother and she does have the ability to cure. I am sure I could do the chemotherapy and be fine, minimal side effects (maybe-hopefully no long term ones either) and I would move on with my life, its not like chemotherapy is the outright devil. . I don't look at it that way. But chemotherapy does tax the body in an intense way, it kills not only cancer but healthy cells as well and there is no guarantee that the cancer wont come back. There is no guarantee that a cancer cell may have split off after the chemo missed it and now, the immune system is so depleted after the chemo that it can't do its job to take care of it as it would naturally. But to do chemotherapy without at least allowing in the wisdom of nature, without at least looking for alternative ways that are based on the foundation that the body/mind/spirit are all connected, seems to me backwards. Chemotherapy should be a last resort....unfortunately cancer has become such a big ugly thing, that the fear factor kicks in and I have found myself making decisions from a place of panic rather than giving myself a chance to take a breath and tune in. Why would a health care provider want me in a state of fear, if he or she really understood how that impacts our health overall? What kind of awareness is that? And do I want to follow that kind of guidance? Coming from that kind of thinking?
This is the way of life I wish to return to, a way of life in trust, to create life out of this cancer challenge. A new LIFE...not a fear of dying, or a running from dying. But a deep embrace of life, a deep embrace of living fully. And I just think that life lived fully is about trusting the body and listening deeply to her call. Cancer is not a death sentence, and it is not an evil monster, nor is death....To embrace life we must embrace death, to embrace timelessness we must embrace time, everything in its right place, every part plays itself in harmony with all the other parts. And I have no doubt chemotherapy is playing its perfect role as well, except for now, not on my time.....
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