Again I stay away too long from blogging, when it does my heart so good to know that whats inside will be expressed. I cannot explain the levels of procrastination and resistance, BUT, all I can do is begin again. Forgive. And move forward. Forgive. And move forward. This seems to be the theme in my life right now. To forgive and move forward. Mostly....forgive myself, entirely. I don't tend to be as forgiving as I would like, I tend to latch on to things and repeat them in my head, rehashing different angles and trying to get them to be other than they are. I have wasted alot of time like this. This too must be forgiven.
My mother is ill. After these past 7 months dealing with my own illness, now my mother pops up with this intense thing. Lymphoma. Stage 4. Aggressive, rare large cell lymphoma. It isn't pretty. Its all over her body and she is having trouble eating and so has lost alot of weight. My mother was skinny to begin with, so now, even more so. I haven't seen her yet as she is in California, but on Monday I will fly out there and be with her for a 10 days. Then I will need to come back and deal with my own healthcare here.
My mother and I have not seen each other in 3 years, its been like that. Estranged. And yet still close. I have avoided her. My last visit was so painful and dramatic, I simply didn't go back. I didn't want to, although I kept meaning to, thinking it would be good for me to go but at the same time, avoiding it. Now it seems I really have to go back and clean up the uncomfortable stuff that was left between us. Really look her in the eyes and forgive her and ask her for her forgiveness so that we can both move forward.
The thing is, she wants to go. She isn't interested in staying so much. Chemo doesn't even interest her to give her perhaps a chance. She is at peace with leaving. She keeps saying she can't figure out why she is so peaceful, why she feels so connected to God as she does, why she isn't more freaked out. I wonder how she doesn't want to stay around for her grand children, or learning music or her dogs or the sunset. But thats not for me to say to a dying person, to convince them of why they should want to live. Its their life. Not mine. I personally want to LIVE, and celebrate and create and explore and expose and transform. I want that. I do I do I do. To dance on many dance floors and share that dance with the people in my life, to give that back to them on all the levels. So I must forgive her and forgive myself.
For what? For not living fully, For taking things for granted, for not letting my talents shine, for not offering myself more to others and to the community. And yet, what is this "more"? Who says? I do. I havent given all I have wanted to give, I have held back, post poned, put off and resisted doing the things I really want to be doing. I didn't go to see my own mother, to say I forgive you and I love you, out of pride, fear, pushing away the feelings that would come with that kind of honesty, whatever it was I didn't do it. Kind of. If the now is right on time, like it says it is, then all of that was perfect. Except now what? Where do I begin now? At the beginning. It is so simple.
Forgive. Move forward. Repeat. I love you, I forgive you, I am sorry. Over and over again. Until your heart is so open every single perfect thing that will make your life shine, will come thru and play you a fool. YOU? Like a reed, played by God. Let God play thru you. How can she if you are so filled with all the ways it should look, should have happened, and should have gone. She cant, She trips over your shoulds. Let that perfection come in and there will be less questions of how and what etc. It will be spontaneously hard work to keep plodding away at something that gives you joy. Showing up for that joy, day after day. And you will know. What to say to your old and ill mother, how to be there for her and how to let her die as she wants. To help her to cross with love and acceptance. And then from this space, something new will be bloomed in your soul. A new life. A new way of accepting and forgiving yourself....each day.
Forgive. Move forward. It is the only way.
My mother is ill. After these past 7 months dealing with my own illness, now my mother pops up with this intense thing. Lymphoma. Stage 4. Aggressive, rare large cell lymphoma. It isn't pretty. Its all over her body and she is having trouble eating and so has lost alot of weight. My mother was skinny to begin with, so now, even more so. I haven't seen her yet as she is in California, but on Monday I will fly out there and be with her for a 10 days. Then I will need to come back and deal with my own healthcare here.
My mother and I have not seen each other in 3 years, its been like that. Estranged. And yet still close. I have avoided her. My last visit was so painful and dramatic, I simply didn't go back. I didn't want to, although I kept meaning to, thinking it would be good for me to go but at the same time, avoiding it. Now it seems I really have to go back and clean up the uncomfortable stuff that was left between us. Really look her in the eyes and forgive her and ask her for her forgiveness so that we can both move forward.
The thing is, she wants to go. She isn't interested in staying so much. Chemo doesn't even interest her to give her perhaps a chance. She is at peace with leaving. She keeps saying she can't figure out why she is so peaceful, why she feels so connected to God as she does, why she isn't more freaked out. I wonder how she doesn't want to stay around for her grand children, or learning music or her dogs or the sunset. But thats not for me to say to a dying person, to convince them of why they should want to live. Its their life. Not mine. I personally want to LIVE, and celebrate and create and explore and expose and transform. I want that. I do I do I do. To dance on many dance floors and share that dance with the people in my life, to give that back to them on all the levels. So I must forgive her and forgive myself.
For what? For not living fully, For taking things for granted, for not letting my talents shine, for not offering myself more to others and to the community. And yet, what is this "more"? Who says? I do. I havent given all I have wanted to give, I have held back, post poned, put off and resisted doing the things I really want to be doing. I didn't go to see my own mother, to say I forgive you and I love you, out of pride, fear, pushing away the feelings that would come with that kind of honesty, whatever it was I didn't do it. Kind of. If the now is right on time, like it says it is, then all of that was perfect. Except now what? Where do I begin now? At the beginning. It is so simple.
Forgive. Move forward. Repeat. I love you, I forgive you, I am sorry. Over and over again. Until your heart is so open every single perfect thing that will make your life shine, will come thru and play you a fool. YOU? Like a reed, played by God. Let God play thru you. How can she if you are so filled with all the ways it should look, should have happened, and should have gone. She cant, She trips over your shoulds. Let that perfection come in and there will be less questions of how and what etc. It will be spontaneously hard work to keep plodding away at something that gives you joy. Showing up for that joy, day after day. And you will know. What to say to your old and ill mother, how to be there for her and how to let her die as she wants. To help her to cross with love and acceptance. And then from this space, something new will be bloomed in your soul. A new life. A new way of accepting and forgiving yourself....each day.
Forgive. Move forward. It is the only way.
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