After the 24 Hours in Bed, I had a week until I was to lay back down again in white on the 7th night at midnite, not moving until dawn to allow the "stitches" to be taken out. I was told at that time was when many people really saw spirits and had visions and experiences. I wasn't too concerned with visions or with experiences. I had recieved such a gift of guidance and practical information about my life, I felt surrendered to this quiet powerful journey that was deeply internal, personal and kind. I didnt need big lights or loud bells to make me feel it was working.
That week I was supposed to take it very easy, not even doing yoga and staying close to home to rest and rest and more rest. I didnt want to go out anyway. The city felt overwhelming every time I stepped out. The entire next day of the first 24 hours, I felt very still, lethargic in the body but sharp in my awareness and very sensitive to energy. Loud sounds, intense feelings, sharp movements, all seemed to ruffle my feathers a bit and I found myself naturally retreating, even on the phone with people. I found myself sitting for long periods, content to just "be" to just feel the moment, to feel my heart more open. Sometimes I would be on my way to the kitchen for something and would find myself in the living room, sitting on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, but listening quietly inside. And then sometimes my mind felt restless as I felt I should be doing something, making "progress" getting the ball rolling on other areas of my life, like jobs, procedures, research, appointments. I attended to the absolute necessary things and then when I found myself doing busy work or things I knew I could put off another week, I found myself just stopping. A gentle knudge inside that said, take your time, allow this new energy to just settle inside, these are precious times alone. Relax. Relaxing in NYC where everyone is doing half a million things is and you feel you should be too, is sometimes a great act of power.
I found salt baths would clear the restlessness, playing music, and simply allowing myself to sleep and rest. I had friends over a few times and found, I could really only lay on the couch and let them talk or if I did talk I would find myself speaking deeper from my heart, from my center, the usual social masks of politeness or chipperness not really there to put on to create a conversation of the usual sorts. I also found I felt a bit overwhelmed and exhausted when they left, not because of them, but because they were in a different space, coming in from the city, with stories and information about the outside world, I just wasn't participating in at the moment. Many people said I looked well rested, healthy, centered. I knew I was moving slow and that I felt a much more tangible sense of the 'other side" and felt a contentment and peace that kept returning even after I felt I had gotten off center, or thought I was racing thru things. The presence of energy stayed with me no matter what, and I realized all I had to do was relax and let it take me. Many moments in the day I would try and jump back to racing around and getting thru things and suddenly just stop and find myself in spontaneous prayer. Very beautiful moments, very heart opening.
I stayed in most of the time but I did take walks to the grocery store or the park and noticed I was much more aware of things, much more rooted and centered in myself. I felt the review of my life continuing, I felt a greater resource of intuition and of trusting it would all work out. I felt guided, watched and cared for. I was less concerned about the state of the cancer as I was with simply being present with my life and listening to the inner stirrings. I was very content to be alone, to be in solitude, to simply commune with the sun, watch the trees, watch human life coming and going in the park. I had long sessions of prayer where information was given, but not information as we experience words and numbers. It was more like energetic knowings, that rooted themselves in my intuition, that opened spaces within my psyche. Things became clear. I was tired of the pace of NYC life, the vibration here. This realization came with no fighting in the mind, no sense of coming up with the opposite view as I usally do that only serves to confuse me and keep me in going back and forth with the decision to leave or to stay. I felt surrendered more deeply to what I already knew. There was less second guessing or debate within my own inner sky about things that had normally caused me to go back and forth many times, like a broken record. Simplicity never felt so good. I felt even simple to being here in NYC, dealing with cancer, it all seemed to make sense and be exactly as it needed to be.
It was an incredible week. Not because I saw spriits or had some visions in the night, but because I felt my life more deeply. Not only did I feel my life, I felt the life of an invisible realm very gently guiding and protecting me with a very non intrusive and gentle touch that almost made me forget about the cancer. Or rather, it felt so good to be alive, I wasnt worried about death. I slept alot, I ate moderately, I felt lazy in a content and clear way and I never felt alone even if I spent an entire day without seeing a friend. I wrote. I read. I cooked. But everything I did felt simple and easy. Even if I felt my mind running over something a million times, trying to find some answer to solve something or jumping between two options, there was a space and a distance that somehow kept it at bay.
The two days before I was to enter back into bed for the final taking out of the stitches, everything changed. My bliss and contentment turned to depression, flu like symptons and an aching pain in my arm pit where I had a surgery a few weeks before and had some lymph nodes taken out to be tested for cancer. They had been negative, but after that I had various pains running down my arm as presumabley the nerves were reattaching themselves. I had had no pain in my actual armpit. But suddenly 5 days of contentment turned into mild depression and pain. It felt llike I had the flu without the symptoms of flu, I had no stuffy head, no headache or runny nose. I simply felt achey, with a fever and run down with this throbbing pain in my armpit that appeared out of nowhere. The depression was such, that I really felt hopeless and that life was pointless, I felt more alone than I had in my whole life. All I could do was sit on the couch and watch movies to escape the hell I had suddenly fallen into. I called my healer angel friend..." I am ridiculously depressed and my arm hurts like hell". How could this be? Her response? "Sounds like a whole lot of healing going on". Uh. Right. Okay. I can suffer for god, if I must.
The instructions for the last night were to lay down at midnite all in white and not move at all until dawn, the first whisper of light. I was to place a glass of water near my bed at night and in the morning to drink it. I took a bath, burned my copal, washed my white dress and prepared the music once again. Immediately upon laying down I felt intensely still. A deep calm descended and a half sleepiness and also a sense of meditation. But I couldnt keep totally still, I had drank alot of water that would not let me still and a half hour after laying down I felt el bano calling me. I thought about wetting the bed, give it up for god! but the thought of laying in soiled sheets all night didnt feel appealing. I made a prayer and asked the spirits to forgive me and slipped out quickly to the bathroom. I felt a bit guilty but, really, I decided the spirits didnt want me feeling guilty at a time like this, they would let this go. Back in bed I got as still as I could, it was rather easy to be very still as such a calm was radiating thruout my being except a half hour later, my bladder was calling my name once again. Okay, I thought to myself, FINAL time, after this I will just wet the bed. Okay spirits? As I slipped back into bed another time, I finally found myself settlling in and falling asleep...I didnt wake until way past dawn the next morning. My bed was dry. I drank the water next to my bed as instructed and took some more herbs. I wondered if I had ruined the healing with all my getting up....I decided, God wasnt mad at me, the spirits still were rooting for me and I didnt have to confess anything to my healer unless she asked.
The next day I felt groggy but already the pain in my arm was receding and I felt the flu like symptoms lifting. Over the course of the next two days I felt very very well, the depression lifted and my arm felt a thousand times better. It felt as though I had been passing thru some stuck energy that needed to get cleansed and that the arm had started to surge with a clearing. By three days later, I felt very refreshed, I got a shiatsu massage and felt an intense tiredness after and then by the next day I felt my arm almost completely free of pain with more range of motion. Calm. Centered. In tune. But it had been "dark" for a good 3 days and I had passed thru spaces in my mind, that I felt powerless to over come. Yet someohow, here I was on the other side of them, alive and shining.
By Monday evening, I was preparing my living room for a group of lady friends coming over to pray and support me before my surgery on Wednesday. It felt as though this was the culmination of a process, and we proceeded to have a beautiful night of sharing and prayer, giggles and a cozy togetherness. Now just 26 more days of no pork, peppers, alchol or sex. Herbs 3X a day.....oh and surgery with the doctors on Wed. I hope the spirits don't mind.
That week I was supposed to take it very easy, not even doing yoga and staying close to home to rest and rest and more rest. I didnt want to go out anyway. The city felt overwhelming every time I stepped out. The entire next day of the first 24 hours, I felt very still, lethargic in the body but sharp in my awareness and very sensitive to energy. Loud sounds, intense feelings, sharp movements, all seemed to ruffle my feathers a bit and I found myself naturally retreating, even on the phone with people. I found myself sitting for long periods, content to just "be" to just feel the moment, to feel my heart more open. Sometimes I would be on my way to the kitchen for something and would find myself in the living room, sitting on the couch, doing absolutely nothing, but listening quietly inside. And then sometimes my mind felt restless as I felt I should be doing something, making "progress" getting the ball rolling on other areas of my life, like jobs, procedures, research, appointments. I attended to the absolute necessary things and then when I found myself doing busy work or things I knew I could put off another week, I found myself just stopping. A gentle knudge inside that said, take your time, allow this new energy to just settle inside, these are precious times alone. Relax. Relaxing in NYC where everyone is doing half a million things is and you feel you should be too, is sometimes a great act of power.
I found salt baths would clear the restlessness, playing music, and simply allowing myself to sleep and rest. I had friends over a few times and found, I could really only lay on the couch and let them talk or if I did talk I would find myself speaking deeper from my heart, from my center, the usual social masks of politeness or chipperness not really there to put on to create a conversation of the usual sorts. I also found I felt a bit overwhelmed and exhausted when they left, not because of them, but because they were in a different space, coming in from the city, with stories and information about the outside world, I just wasn't participating in at the moment. Many people said I looked well rested, healthy, centered. I knew I was moving slow and that I felt a much more tangible sense of the 'other side" and felt a contentment and peace that kept returning even after I felt I had gotten off center, or thought I was racing thru things. The presence of energy stayed with me no matter what, and I realized all I had to do was relax and let it take me. Many moments in the day I would try and jump back to racing around and getting thru things and suddenly just stop and find myself in spontaneous prayer. Very beautiful moments, very heart opening.
I stayed in most of the time but I did take walks to the grocery store or the park and noticed I was much more aware of things, much more rooted and centered in myself. I felt the review of my life continuing, I felt a greater resource of intuition and of trusting it would all work out. I felt guided, watched and cared for. I was less concerned about the state of the cancer as I was with simply being present with my life and listening to the inner stirrings. I was very content to be alone, to be in solitude, to simply commune with the sun, watch the trees, watch human life coming and going in the park. I had long sessions of prayer where information was given, but not information as we experience words and numbers. It was more like energetic knowings, that rooted themselves in my intuition, that opened spaces within my psyche. Things became clear. I was tired of the pace of NYC life, the vibration here. This realization came with no fighting in the mind, no sense of coming up with the opposite view as I usally do that only serves to confuse me and keep me in going back and forth with the decision to leave or to stay. I felt surrendered more deeply to what I already knew. There was less second guessing or debate within my own inner sky about things that had normally caused me to go back and forth many times, like a broken record. Simplicity never felt so good. I felt even simple to being here in NYC, dealing with cancer, it all seemed to make sense and be exactly as it needed to be.
It was an incredible week. Not because I saw spriits or had some visions in the night, but because I felt my life more deeply. Not only did I feel my life, I felt the life of an invisible realm very gently guiding and protecting me with a very non intrusive and gentle touch that almost made me forget about the cancer. Or rather, it felt so good to be alive, I wasnt worried about death. I slept alot, I ate moderately, I felt lazy in a content and clear way and I never felt alone even if I spent an entire day without seeing a friend. I wrote. I read. I cooked. But everything I did felt simple and easy. Even if I felt my mind running over something a million times, trying to find some answer to solve something or jumping between two options, there was a space and a distance that somehow kept it at bay.
The two days before I was to enter back into bed for the final taking out of the stitches, everything changed. My bliss and contentment turned to depression, flu like symptons and an aching pain in my arm pit where I had a surgery a few weeks before and had some lymph nodes taken out to be tested for cancer. They had been negative, but after that I had various pains running down my arm as presumabley the nerves were reattaching themselves. I had had no pain in my actual armpit. But suddenly 5 days of contentment turned into mild depression and pain. It felt llike I had the flu without the symptoms of flu, I had no stuffy head, no headache or runny nose. I simply felt achey, with a fever and run down with this throbbing pain in my armpit that appeared out of nowhere. The depression was such, that I really felt hopeless and that life was pointless, I felt more alone than I had in my whole life. All I could do was sit on the couch and watch movies to escape the hell I had suddenly fallen into. I called my healer angel friend..." I am ridiculously depressed and my arm hurts like hell". How could this be? Her response? "Sounds like a whole lot of healing going on". Uh. Right. Okay. I can suffer for god, if I must.
The instructions for the last night were to lay down at midnite all in white and not move at all until dawn, the first whisper of light. I was to place a glass of water near my bed at night and in the morning to drink it. I took a bath, burned my copal, washed my white dress and prepared the music once again. Immediately upon laying down I felt intensely still. A deep calm descended and a half sleepiness and also a sense of meditation. But I couldnt keep totally still, I had drank alot of water that would not let me still and a half hour after laying down I felt el bano calling me. I thought about wetting the bed, give it up for god! but the thought of laying in soiled sheets all night didnt feel appealing. I made a prayer and asked the spirits to forgive me and slipped out quickly to the bathroom. I felt a bit guilty but, really, I decided the spirits didnt want me feeling guilty at a time like this, they would let this go. Back in bed I got as still as I could, it was rather easy to be very still as such a calm was radiating thruout my being except a half hour later, my bladder was calling my name once again. Okay, I thought to myself, FINAL time, after this I will just wet the bed. Okay spirits? As I slipped back into bed another time, I finally found myself settlling in and falling asleep...I didnt wake until way past dawn the next morning. My bed was dry. I drank the water next to my bed as instructed and took some more herbs. I wondered if I had ruined the healing with all my getting up....I decided, God wasnt mad at me, the spirits still were rooting for me and I didnt have to confess anything to my healer unless she asked.
The next day I felt groggy but already the pain in my arm was receding and I felt the flu like symptoms lifting. Over the course of the next two days I felt very very well, the depression lifted and my arm felt a thousand times better. It felt as though I had been passing thru some stuck energy that needed to get cleansed and that the arm had started to surge with a clearing. By three days later, I felt very refreshed, I got a shiatsu massage and felt an intense tiredness after and then by the next day I felt my arm almost completely free of pain with more range of motion. Calm. Centered. In tune. But it had been "dark" for a good 3 days and I had passed thru spaces in my mind, that I felt powerless to over come. Yet someohow, here I was on the other side of them, alive and shining.
By Monday evening, I was preparing my living room for a group of lady friends coming over to pray and support me before my surgery on Wednesday. It felt as though this was the culmination of a process, and we proceeded to have a beautiful night of sharing and prayer, giggles and a cozy togetherness. Now just 26 more days of no pork, peppers, alchol or sex. Herbs 3X a day.....oh and surgery with the doctors on Wed. I hope the spirits don't mind.
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