Still figuring out the voice of this blogging journey and what exactly it is I need/want/should? share here.
I am going to try and write daily or at least every other day as it is called DIARY of a breast...I think that implies dates and entries, like a diary.
I am only 3 months into this journey and I don't think that is really that far in. Sometimes this is overwhelming. I realize this Breast Cancer has shaken up every single aspect of my life. There are countless endless blog posts to create, as there is so much richness happening. And when I say richness I mean, I am learning and transforming on spiritual, financial, emotional, practical, physical, social, political, sexual, vocational, metaphorical, trans personal, trans global, trans galactic levels I can hardly keep up with. I don't know who I was 3 months ago, let alone a week ago. it seems like a different planet. Breast Cancer has shifted me 180 degrees in every direction and every day there is a new aspect of it, that can range from the actual disease itself to what the disease is really pointing at on deeper levels. Many days I am grateful for it, but when I think of chemotherapy and a masectomy, my belly quivers. I am scared even though I know I can and will get through it and I know my body is strong even at its weakest, which right now, I have never felt so out of shape and out of touch with my body. But some days the darkness appears and I worry, did I just totally screw up my entire life by not listening better to my natural flow? What if? The big what if, lurking around every corner....
I think I am busying myself a bit, distracting myself with staying in the action mode. Creating groups, seeking advice, creating a fundraiser, researching, researching, researching, meeting with other women who have gone thru what I will, making phone calls and spending hours in the health food store trying to get that perfect vitamin. Its challenging to simply sit with myself and meet what my soul is speaking. There are so many practical things to do, insurance, doctors, finances, trying to figure out ways to make money while I am dealing with this, talking to friends, researching, researching researching.....all these procedures and opinions start to pile up and there is information over load. And then I am not making space to simply be with my heart, with the silence, with the mystery within. Which I realize, at the core of this disease for me, is this lack of turning in and listening and from that listening acting and feeding and nurturing the deepest core, the self-love, the self nurturing, the feeling and listening to the body. To the emotional needs, to the feminine needs of softness and gentleness and ease. I have wanted to leave this city for ten years and something in me won't let this deeper desire be heard. Its not about the city, its about what feels good, what nurtures, what works best with my sensitivities and energies. This city rattles my bones and mind and nervous system and I know my energy really thrives in nature and yet, I still hang on to being here. Adrenaline junky that I am....lover of passion, drama, artistic mayhem, I love this city, I love the pulse, the throb, the adrenaline rush it provides. But adrenaline rushes are not real life....they are chemicals, that cause stress and temporary highs that ultimately result in lows.
I guess it took Breast Cancer to wake me up out of it, to humble me to listen, to realize the cost of Not listening, to realize what my soul truly desires and what God ultimately is calling forth. Less stress, more silence, deeper connection to the earth and her elements, and a way of life that is prayer and deep listening.....coming home to the mother, to the mother within that wants to conceive a human child, to the mother of the body, to the mother of the earth, to the mother of the soul, to the mother that is Aylen....to find the true breast of nourishment and care that simply got a bit run over by the pulse of the world and the thronging longing of personality and ego.......well.....only human, only human.
I am going to try and write daily or at least every other day as it is called DIARY of a breast...I think that implies dates and entries, like a diary.
I am only 3 months into this journey and I don't think that is really that far in. Sometimes this is overwhelming. I realize this Breast Cancer has shaken up every single aspect of my life. There are countless endless blog posts to create, as there is so much richness happening. And when I say richness I mean, I am learning and transforming on spiritual, financial, emotional, practical, physical, social, political, sexual, vocational, metaphorical, trans personal, trans global, trans galactic levels I can hardly keep up with. I don't know who I was 3 months ago, let alone a week ago. it seems like a different planet. Breast Cancer has shifted me 180 degrees in every direction and every day there is a new aspect of it, that can range from the actual disease itself to what the disease is really pointing at on deeper levels. Many days I am grateful for it, but when I think of chemotherapy and a masectomy, my belly quivers. I am scared even though I know I can and will get through it and I know my body is strong even at its weakest, which right now, I have never felt so out of shape and out of touch with my body. But some days the darkness appears and I worry, did I just totally screw up my entire life by not listening better to my natural flow? What if? The big what if, lurking around every corner....
I think I am busying myself a bit, distracting myself with staying in the action mode. Creating groups, seeking advice, creating a fundraiser, researching, researching, researching, meeting with other women who have gone thru what I will, making phone calls and spending hours in the health food store trying to get that perfect vitamin. Its challenging to simply sit with myself and meet what my soul is speaking. There are so many practical things to do, insurance, doctors, finances, trying to figure out ways to make money while I am dealing with this, talking to friends, researching, researching researching.....all these procedures and opinions start to pile up and there is information over load. And then I am not making space to simply be with my heart, with the silence, with the mystery within. Which I realize, at the core of this disease for me, is this lack of turning in and listening and from that listening acting and feeding and nurturing the deepest core, the self-love, the self nurturing, the feeling and listening to the body. To the emotional needs, to the feminine needs of softness and gentleness and ease. I have wanted to leave this city for ten years and something in me won't let this deeper desire be heard. Its not about the city, its about what feels good, what nurtures, what works best with my sensitivities and energies. This city rattles my bones and mind and nervous system and I know my energy really thrives in nature and yet, I still hang on to being here. Adrenaline junky that I am....lover of passion, drama, artistic mayhem, I love this city, I love the pulse, the throb, the adrenaline rush it provides. But adrenaline rushes are not real life....they are chemicals, that cause stress and temporary highs that ultimately result in lows.
I guess it took Breast Cancer to wake me up out of it, to humble me to listen, to realize the cost of Not listening, to realize what my soul truly desires and what God ultimately is calling forth. Less stress, more silence, deeper connection to the earth and her elements, and a way of life that is prayer and deep listening.....coming home to the mother, to the mother within that wants to conceive a human child, to the mother of the body, to the mother of the earth, to the mother of the soul, to the mother that is Aylen....to find the true breast of nourishment and care that simply got a bit run over by the pulse of the world and the thronging longing of personality and ego.......well.....only human, only human.
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