Everything I am noticing right now is about how we do or don't go against ourselves. I watch how often I am making decisions out of guilt or what other people will think or what I think is expected of me. It is often so subtle, I don't notice it until after I have made the decision and am wondering to myself "how did I get here, in this uncomfortable spot?" Already I am here for a day and things are expected of me, things that I don't particularly want to do, and not even asked if I want to do them. When I ask to please be told if there are things on the agenda that I am expected at because there are things that I need to do to take care of myself, I am told, the agenda is the priority. I will have plenty of time to do the things that I need to do. This boils my blood. Because its a write off. It implies, oh you and all the things you need to do for YOU....I can feel it. And yet, no one seems to take any interest in how I am going about taking care of myself or if I am doing it adequately. Then I wonder why I come home in the first place and why I am breaking my bank to be here. So round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows. But I do know that the more I sink into the power, wisdom, creativity, juiciness and joy, the more things in this life have a nice way of working out and aligning themselves. For now, I have let go that this birth family can really offer that or support that, so I am doing what I have to do to make it through this visit.
Yesterday, I managed to get all the supplements in, have a super smoothie and eat pretty raw all day. I definitely need to eat more green things. I really feel in the past month with traveling, the holidays, my birthday, etc, I kind of fell down on the food side of things and on taking care of myself in general. I would like to get back on that horse in a serious way. It does begin to play into my control issues, especially around food, and all the anorexia stuff comes up, yes if I can control the food I can control my life is the subtle belief....If I can control my food, I can control my life. This needs to be looked at over and over again. I also have an eating for comfort gene, and when I am stressed I want to eat things that make me feel comforted. Forget about when I am PMS, then I want to eat anything in sight. I did go to the organic store and buy a bunch of green vegetables to juice, frozen berries for smoothies and various things like coconut water and date rolls and almond butter. Those make for incredible snacks when the PMS is kicking in. But my mother has a nice candy dish on the dining room table of godiva chocolates, does she really have to put them there? I have only eaten one and thats the end of what I will eat. I can feel the discipline warrior in me that wants to lay down the law. And is fucking pissed that it doesn't seem that anyone in this supposed family supports me. In fact I find it incredibly ironic when I go out with friends who know what I am dealing with, that keep offering me sweets and things I obviously don't eat. Hello?
The rest of the day, I had planned to go to the gym, but at the last minute my girlfriend had offered a ticket to the Nutcracker, our towns production with all the kids in various outfits jumping around the stage and saying their lines with gusto. It was cute. I had performed on that stage, in school plays and in the nutcracker myself. There were memories. At the art center where it was I saw the courtyard where I had my first boy/girl dance and felt marijuana for the first time. (Will never forget that first moment of liberation) And then the room where I had taken ballet. But I couldn't help noticing that the kids looked like they were trying to be adults, that it seemed that they were putting on a show to please us. Smiling fakely and prancing around in this adult choreography. I hate to be so dark, but, it was kind of creepy in a way. A good metaphor for what I am going thru here, all the expectations society puts on us to be a certain way, to perform, to reach, everything Tyohar talks about, its like I could see thru the veil of the society for a minute and I couldn't really laugh and cheer about it. I want to see kids natural and pure and true to themselves, not aiming to keep up with everyone else and become some version of a person on TV. Ugh. I decided then and there, that my kids would never go to "regular" school. And I would never ask them to smile and wave or curtsy in any kind of ballerina skirt unless they really wanted to. I did enjoy however, watching the kids come off the stage, looking for their parents without hiding it and getting so excited from seeing somebody they knew in the audience. Their little faces lighting up so pure and natural at the joy of seeing their families.
Later that night, still unable to fully meet my mother with an open heart, I leave for the grocery and the drug store, only to find I locked my keys in the car at the drugstore. I calmly called her and told her the news. I was suprised she handled it so well and got the neighbor to drive her over with the spare set. It softened things for us somehow, making me realize she can be cool about certain things and not raise a fuss. Then later she said she was glad it happened because now she knows where the spare set is....I felt her trying to make good of a situation, knowing I probably was beating myself up about it, which I was for a quick minute. "God I am so spaced out, I need to be more in my body". Its funny how those supposed mistakes serve a broader picture...it did soften things, it forced me a bit out of my shell towards her. A bit. Miracles only happen in inches I suppose...And Until tomorrow.....again and again.
Yesterday, I managed to get all the supplements in, have a super smoothie and eat pretty raw all day. I definitely need to eat more green things. I really feel in the past month with traveling, the holidays, my birthday, etc, I kind of fell down on the food side of things and on taking care of myself in general. I would like to get back on that horse in a serious way. It does begin to play into my control issues, especially around food, and all the anorexia stuff comes up, yes if I can control the food I can control my life is the subtle belief....If I can control my food, I can control my life. This needs to be looked at over and over again. I also have an eating for comfort gene, and when I am stressed I want to eat things that make me feel comforted. Forget about when I am PMS, then I want to eat anything in sight. I did go to the organic store and buy a bunch of green vegetables to juice, frozen berries for smoothies and various things like coconut water and date rolls and almond butter. Those make for incredible snacks when the PMS is kicking in. But my mother has a nice candy dish on the dining room table of godiva chocolates, does she really have to put them there? I have only eaten one and thats the end of what I will eat. I can feel the discipline warrior in me that wants to lay down the law. And is fucking pissed that it doesn't seem that anyone in this supposed family supports me. In fact I find it incredibly ironic when I go out with friends who know what I am dealing with, that keep offering me sweets and things I obviously don't eat. Hello?
The rest of the day, I had planned to go to the gym, but at the last minute my girlfriend had offered a ticket to the Nutcracker, our towns production with all the kids in various outfits jumping around the stage and saying their lines with gusto. It was cute. I had performed on that stage, in school plays and in the nutcracker myself. There were memories. At the art center where it was I saw the courtyard where I had my first boy/girl dance and felt marijuana for the first time. (Will never forget that first moment of liberation) And then the room where I had taken ballet. But I couldn't help noticing that the kids looked like they were trying to be adults, that it seemed that they were putting on a show to please us. Smiling fakely and prancing around in this adult choreography. I hate to be so dark, but, it was kind of creepy in a way. A good metaphor for what I am going thru here, all the expectations society puts on us to be a certain way, to perform, to reach, everything Tyohar talks about, its like I could see thru the veil of the society for a minute and I couldn't really laugh and cheer about it. I want to see kids natural and pure and true to themselves, not aiming to keep up with everyone else and become some version of a person on TV. Ugh. I decided then and there, that my kids would never go to "regular" school. And I would never ask them to smile and wave or curtsy in any kind of ballerina skirt unless they really wanted to. I did enjoy however, watching the kids come off the stage, looking for their parents without hiding it and getting so excited from seeing somebody they knew in the audience. Their little faces lighting up so pure and natural at the joy of seeing their families.
Later that night, still unable to fully meet my mother with an open heart, I leave for the grocery and the drug store, only to find I locked my keys in the car at the drugstore. I calmly called her and told her the news. I was suprised she handled it so well and got the neighbor to drive her over with the spare set. It softened things for us somehow, making me realize she can be cool about certain things and not raise a fuss. Then later she said she was glad it happened because now she knows where the spare set is....I felt her trying to make good of a situation, knowing I probably was beating myself up about it, which I was for a quick minute. "God I am so spaced out, I need to be more in my body". Its funny how those supposed mistakes serve a broader picture...it did soften things, it forced me a bit out of my shell towards her. A bit. Miracles only happen in inches I suppose...And Until tomorrow.....again and again.
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