I must apologize for not writing more, I got into a rut, which is really no excuse, its really, if I will be honest, about laziness. Resistance. Procrastination. And I feel this blog is about me sharing what is going on within, without and all around. I have also been going back and forth between NYC and California to be with my mother who is ill right now with Stage 4 Lymphoma. So I return, only to have to leave again, buy another plane ticket and do it all over again. Its kind of exhausting, not to mention, emotionally draining, as my mother and I never really did get along and Cancer doesn't change the things I thought it would. I also put a pause in my treatments, spend money that could be going to treatment stuff and debt and am surrounded by people who eat things I try not to be tempted by and smoke in the house. I am quite aware life is testing me once again to stay true to myself, to balance the guilt, and the needs of others with my own and to step outside my own box of however I have constructed it.
And then there is the fact that even before cancer, I wasn't so great at taking care of myself, so now I have to take care of myself even better and now also her, deal with my brother and sister in law who really like to pull the guilt buttons and somehow, pay for it all, have energy for my work and stay positive as the negative emotions really fuck things up. All across the board, this is a test of major power, awareness, centeredness and connection to a higher power. When I can approach it like that, I find an iron will. To make things work. I am here for 12 days, I will write on every single one at the end of the day or the morning after the day to give myself a focus point, healing and expression so I don't go crazy. This will be my commitment. Even if it is only two words.....Like help me:) I will write something to surmise the day, reflect upon it, bolster myself back together and keep the creativity going as the best healing.
Now, I have decided that while I am here, I am going to do alot of yoga, eat impeccably and get some accupuncture and massage as well as sit in the sauna alot and read and write and work on my website, work on the women's gathering, exercise and do my taxes. I will stay busy, productive, moving and active. Using action as the medicine to overcome when things might get shakey or blow up in my face or feelings might arise that I have no seemingly power over. I will prevail. I will pull my energy IN, take a breath or two or three and I will think of something I can do that is positive and action oriented. Right now this is the Jedi path, I will not get sucked into my own fear, guilt, drama, negativity or toxicity or that of others. I will say YES and I will say NO. I will remove myself from any situation that doesn't feel good to me. I will walk my own path without apology. I will help her with what she needs, which right now it feels like she is just fine actually, and I will cook and make healthy food to keep myself moving in a healthy direction and also helping her. I will go outside a lot and be with the elements, I will write alot and be with the creation angels. I will hang out with lovely friends outside this house and I will take deep breaths at every corner....I will make the time to go to a dance class and not feel guilty. Ay ya yai, the guilt demon.
So. This is the proclamation. More to come at the end of the day when I assess how much I stuck to that, just for today. Just for today, its only a day, day by day, moving forward in the best possible way I can. Gracias to all the angels, supporting that all around me, beside me, within me and in front of me. And I will let go of my need for her approval or my families, if I choose to take care of myself in ways they might never. Just for today. Oh dear lord, three things I pray. I cant even think about Xmas and how I am going to get thru that. Never mind that. In love for now. And peace.
And then there is the fact that even before cancer, I wasn't so great at taking care of myself, so now I have to take care of myself even better and now also her, deal with my brother and sister in law who really like to pull the guilt buttons and somehow, pay for it all, have energy for my work and stay positive as the negative emotions really fuck things up. All across the board, this is a test of major power, awareness, centeredness and connection to a higher power. When I can approach it like that, I find an iron will. To make things work. I am here for 12 days, I will write on every single one at the end of the day or the morning after the day to give myself a focus point, healing and expression so I don't go crazy. This will be my commitment. Even if it is only two words.....Like help me:) I will write something to surmise the day, reflect upon it, bolster myself back together and keep the creativity going as the best healing.
Now, I have decided that while I am here, I am going to do alot of yoga, eat impeccably and get some accupuncture and massage as well as sit in the sauna alot and read and write and work on my website, work on the women's gathering, exercise and do my taxes. I will stay busy, productive, moving and active. Using action as the medicine to overcome when things might get shakey or blow up in my face or feelings might arise that I have no seemingly power over. I will prevail. I will pull my energy IN, take a breath or two or three and I will think of something I can do that is positive and action oriented. Right now this is the Jedi path, I will not get sucked into my own fear, guilt, drama, negativity or toxicity or that of others. I will say YES and I will say NO. I will remove myself from any situation that doesn't feel good to me. I will walk my own path without apology. I will help her with what she needs, which right now it feels like she is just fine actually, and I will cook and make healthy food to keep myself moving in a healthy direction and also helping her. I will go outside a lot and be with the elements, I will write alot and be with the creation angels. I will hang out with lovely friends outside this house and I will take deep breaths at every corner....I will make the time to go to a dance class and not feel guilty. Ay ya yai, the guilt demon.
So. This is the proclamation. More to come at the end of the day when I assess how much I stuck to that, just for today. Just for today, its only a day, day by day, moving forward in the best possible way I can. Gracias to all the angels, supporting that all around me, beside me, within me and in front of me. And I will let go of my need for her approval or my families, if I choose to take care of myself in ways they might never. Just for today. Oh dear lord, three things I pray. I cant even think about Xmas and how I am going to get thru that. Never mind that. In love for now. And peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment