I don't want to do chemo but I love my new doctor. He just has that New York Jewish thing that I have always found charming. Plus he is just plain nice. He sits with me, he hears me, he laughs at my jokes, he makes some of his own that I laugh at, he wears light yellow blazers and drinks Diet Dr. Pepper. "But it says doctor" he replies, when I rouse him for drinking it. "Dr. Malamud--how can you drink this? IT causes Cancer!" I exclaim, have teasing and half serious.
Secretly I want to get a bit angry, how can you prescribe me chemicals to make me well when you are drinking the chemicals that probably made me unwell to begin with? I don't say this, because, well, really the jury is still out about WHY Aylen has cancer. I think that jury will be out for a long long time. I mean I drank a few diet cokes in my life, quite alot of equal in highschool, trying to get thin, or rather, thinner, by drinking coffee with no calories. Ugh. I shutter to think of the things I did to my body in the efforts to be something I thought I should be. Now here I am so grateful to have a body, just wanting it to be free of disease, forget cellulite or round tummies. And here is my doctor with Diet Dr. Pepper on his desk as he talks about chemotherapy drugs. "I am missing my aspartame qouta" he jokes some more. I like him for this. He knows its ridiculous.
Its also ridiculous that in the waiting room, is coffee and tea and tons of sweet and low and splenda and sugar packets.....Really, its so ironic.
But they are offering me the chemo "light". No hair loss, less nausea, perhaps some medical marijuana, less fatigue, a nice comfy chair with snacks and a TV while I take it. CMF. Its been around since the 70's, its the most common, its got good numbers and I am young, so the damage it does do will get taken care of by my young body in a heartbeat. Well, thats what they say anyway. Then again, I am told the same people who made chemical warfare also made these drugs.....I am not sure if Diet Dr. Pepper was around then. I wonder if there is a connection somehow.
I get a list of side effects that Dr. Malamud has drawn a black line thru, well at least all the ones he can draw a black line thru. Kidney damage, blah blah damage, this kind of damage.....I wonder why these side effects bother me more than the ones I read about on natural supplements. Now, come to think of it, I dont see that many side effects on natural medicines. Is that because of politics or reality? FDA regulations, all that stuff, I don't know. Should probably go sort thru the miles of information on the internet, again. I wonder about the guy in that true story movie, Into the Wild who goes and lives out in the forest alone and ends up accidently ingesting a dangerous plant, mistaking it for an edible herb in his trusty herb book. Oops. That came from nature, pure and true, and he died from it. Bet he would have taken some chemo instead of that nasty herb. He died alone in his little camper, pissing blood.
I stay with this fact as I leave the doctor's office. Maybe Diet Dr. Pepper won't kill me as fast as nature. Maybe chemo will save my life. Maybe I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe I am blessed beyond all goodness. Maybe, I need to go find my roomate and have a glass of wine, even though its supposed to be "bad" for breast cancer. Maybe, nobody really knows what all of this is really about, but God. And for sure, God would want me laughing and remembering, that he works in some mysterious ways. I think I am going to go get a Diet Dr. Pepper and call it a day. Better yet, hitchike to the middle of nowhere and talk to the bears. Sigh.
Secretly I want to get a bit angry, how can you prescribe me chemicals to make me well when you are drinking the chemicals that probably made me unwell to begin with? I don't say this, because, well, really the jury is still out about WHY Aylen has cancer. I think that jury will be out for a long long time. I mean I drank a few diet cokes in my life, quite alot of equal in highschool, trying to get thin, or rather, thinner, by drinking coffee with no calories. Ugh. I shutter to think of the things I did to my body in the efforts to be something I thought I should be. Now here I am so grateful to have a body, just wanting it to be free of disease, forget cellulite or round tummies. And here is my doctor with Diet Dr. Pepper on his desk as he talks about chemotherapy drugs. "I am missing my aspartame qouta" he jokes some more. I like him for this. He knows its ridiculous.
Its also ridiculous that in the waiting room, is coffee and tea and tons of sweet and low and splenda and sugar packets.....Really, its so ironic.
But they are offering me the chemo "light". No hair loss, less nausea, perhaps some medical marijuana, less fatigue, a nice comfy chair with snacks and a TV while I take it. CMF. Its been around since the 70's, its the most common, its got good numbers and I am young, so the damage it does do will get taken care of by my young body in a heartbeat. Well, thats what they say anyway. Then again, I am told the same people who made chemical warfare also made these drugs.....I am not sure if Diet Dr. Pepper was around then. I wonder if there is a connection somehow.
I get a list of side effects that Dr. Malamud has drawn a black line thru, well at least all the ones he can draw a black line thru. Kidney damage, blah blah damage, this kind of damage.....I wonder why these side effects bother me more than the ones I read about on natural supplements. Now, come to think of it, I dont see that many side effects on natural medicines. Is that because of politics or reality? FDA regulations, all that stuff, I don't know. Should probably go sort thru the miles of information on the internet, again. I wonder about the guy in that true story movie, Into the Wild who goes and lives out in the forest alone and ends up accidently ingesting a dangerous plant, mistaking it for an edible herb in his trusty herb book. Oops. That came from nature, pure and true, and he died from it. Bet he would have taken some chemo instead of that nasty herb. He died alone in his little camper, pissing blood.
I stay with this fact as I leave the doctor's office. Maybe Diet Dr. Pepper won't kill me as fast as nature. Maybe chemo will save my life. Maybe I am making the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe I am blessed beyond all goodness. Maybe, I need to go find my roomate and have a glass of wine, even though its supposed to be "bad" for breast cancer. Maybe, nobody really knows what all of this is really about, but God. And for sure, God would want me laughing and remembering, that he works in some mysterious ways. I think I am going to go get a Diet Dr. Pepper and call it a day. Better yet, hitchike to the middle of nowhere and talk to the bears. Sigh.
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