Forgive. Move Forward

Again I stay away too long from blogging, when it does my heart so good to know that whats inside will be expressed. I cannot explain the levels of procrastination and resistance, BUT, all I can do is begin again. Forgive. And move forward. Forgive. And move forward. This seems to be the theme in my life right now. To forgive and move forward. Mostly....forgive myself, entirely. I don't tend to be as forgiving as I would like, I tend to latch on to things and repeat them in my head, rehashing different angles and trying to get them to be other than they are. I have wasted alot of time like this. This too must be forgiven.

My mother is ill. After these past 7 months dealing with my own illness, now my mother pops up with this intense thing. Lymphoma. Stage 4. Aggressive, rare large cell lymphoma. It isn't pretty. Its all over her body and she is having trouble eating and so has lost alot of weight. My mother was skinny to begin with, so now, even more so. I haven't seen her yet as she is in California, but on Monday I will fly out there and be with her for a 10 days. Then I will need to come back and deal with my own healthcare here.

My mother and I have not seen each other in 3 years, its been like that. Estranged. And yet still close. I have avoided her. My last visit was so painful and dramatic, I simply didn't go back. I didn't want to, although I kept meaning to, thinking it would be good for me to go but at the same time, avoiding it. Now it seems I really have to go back and clean up the uncomfortable stuff that was left between us. Really look her in the eyes and forgive her and ask her for her forgiveness so that we can both move forward.

The thing is, she wants to go. She isn't interested in staying so much. Chemo doesn't even interest her to give her perhaps a chance. She is at peace with leaving.  She keeps saying she can't figure out why she is so peaceful,  why she feels so connected to God as she does, why she isn't more freaked out. I wonder how she doesn't want to stay around for her grand children, or learning music or her dogs or the sunset. But thats not for me to say to a dying person, to convince them of why they should want to live. Its their life. Not mine. I personally want to LIVE, and celebrate and create and explore and expose and transform. I want that. I do I do I do. To dance on many dance floors and share that dance with the people in my life, to give that back to them on all the levels. So I must forgive her and forgive myself.

For what? For not living fully, For taking things for granted, for not letting my talents shine, for not offering myself more to others and to the community. And yet, what is this "more"? Who says? I do. I havent given all I have wanted to give, I have held back, post poned, put off and resisted doing the things I really want to be doing. I didn't go to see my own mother, to say I forgive you and I love you, out of pride, fear, pushing away the feelings that would come with that kind of honesty, whatever it was I didn't do it. Kind of. If the now is right on time, like it says it is, then all of that was perfect. Except now what? Where do I begin now? At the beginning. It is so simple.

Forgive. Move forward. Repeat. I love you, I forgive you, I am sorry. Over and over again. Until your heart is so open every single perfect thing that will make your life shine, will come thru and play you a fool. YOU? Like a reed, played by God. Let God play thru you. How can she if you are so filled with all the ways it should look, should have happened, and should have gone. She cant, She trips over your shoulds.  Let that perfection come in and there will be less questions of how and what etc. It will be spontaneously hard work to keep plodding away at something that gives you joy. Showing up for that joy, day after day. And you will know. What to say to your old and ill mother, how to be there for her and how to let her die as she wants. To help her to cross with love and acceptance. And then from this space, something new will be bloomed in your soul. A new life. A new way of accepting and forgiving yourself....each day.

Forgive. Move forward. It is the only way.

MUSIC-The Healing of the Soul

How do we heal? Not just on a physical level but on a level that goes deeper than just bone and blood and flesh? Since its not about just healing Cancer to stay alive, but also healing a soul that was needing to express itself thru this body in the form of dis-ease. Suddenly everything that wasn't working in my life or not working enough, is suddenly up in my face and ready to be transformed.  The cancer microscope has suddenly put a view on all things outdated or unused or simply not working at all.

The truth is, I have struggled with a profound sense of loss that I can never quite put my finger on to know where it comes from. It is a haunting from something I have never found to have happened in this life or consciously. It has always baffled me as I have always felt a great passion for life and a great desire to experience and enjoy and sometimes, out of nowhere, this haunting comes and causes such a profound shrinking back from life, and a sabotage of everything I have built or created. It causes me not to trust myself, to not trust that I will be able to show up for the people or things in my life that matter the most to me. There has always been a sense of one foot out the door, a sense that no matter how much I do or give this unsettled feeling will always find me.

Perhaps it will. I think they call this the shadow, I think they call this ego. I think they call this low self-esteem. I think they call this isolation. I think they call this.....darkness. Whatever they call it, and whoever "they" is, I am ready to let it go. I am ready to look it in the eye and say, yes, I see you, you think I can't do alot of things and there are a whole host of reasons I am not good enough for the things that truly mean something to me, and you like to run thru my mind and create separation, and you may go ahead and have your time doing your little jig, but I got news for you. I am going to enjoy my life anyway.

One of the ways I enjoy my life is by surrounding myself in music. Since highschool, I always had music on and always had a walk man under the covers when I went to sleep at night. Finally we progressed to the CD man and I found running and Runners high to music, mostly Led Zeppelin and The Doors...running around my northern california suburban neighborhood filled with the power of spirit, when the mind rested and suddenly the endorphins kicked in and there was a sense of flight. Wow. I would find God on the sidewalk in Nike's, that Californian sunshine burning thru my brain like God's gold.

From there we entered College and the life in the NYU dorms. Moving in with a group of girlfriends was one of the most fun years of my life. We had a strobe light we would hang from the ceiling and then blast music into our little dorm room. I lived in a suite at the dorms on 3rd avenue and 11thst, despite our adequate living room and the presence of two other rooms, the dancing always ended up in my room. We would invite the boys over, a group of guys we spent alot of time with and drink 40's of malt liqour and beer. Eventually the Dee Lite would kick in and we would be madly dancing all mushed in together in our little room, drunk and sometimes stoned, 19 free and happy. I can remember the feeling when the music would take me and I began to taste those first moments of dance ecstasy. Eventually we started going to clubs as young people in NYC eager to be sexy and hip and wild and dancing into all hours of the morning. Later I found the 5 Rhythms and Gabrielle Roth and felt like I had come home to a dance floor I had never left. The dance had always been in me, it now finally had a practice to form around it. And music was the main point of the practice, it was the music I had come for, the feeling when the body melted into the music and the music was dancing the body alive. It was always about the rhythm and the beat of the music that called me, that created those moments of ecstasy.  Later when I found Pachamama and we had listening meditations during the silence, where we would sit and just let the music fill our souls, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I think I did.

Yet I never felt music was something I could do or be a part of, it was only something I could dance to, to participate with, not as. I sang in college, and I remember I was decent, I could carry a tune, but I never thought it was something that was really mine. My mother had been a singer, that was hers. I was different. I didn't really know what was mine to claim, even acting which felt like it should be my talent to claim failed me and once I started dancing, I felt like I had come home to my own special place. It just made sense...the love of moving the body to music had been there since the beginning of it all. And she didnt dance, in fact she was a poor dancer, so I could shine where she couldn't. In Pachamama when that first long trance happened down by the river, I am certain the heavens opened up and took me in their arms that day, whispered thru that wind that this space was forever more home. It was just like that.  I would rise at 5 am sometimes 4 am to crawl thru the dark forest to the meditation hall and practice yoga for 2 hours to my ipod and once I learned how to work the sound system I would listen to it on the big speakers. The first thing I wanted in the morning was the pulse of music througout my whole body, breath and mind.

But in the last two years before the diagnosis, I got a bit detoured from my path and found I wasn't alwys putting my music on or getting up early to do yoga or taking those walks thru central park with just my music and my thoughts. Something died in me n the last two years that I am still trying to peice together, triggered by some event or something I am still trying to figure out. But something definitely gave up inside of me. Too many heart breaks over and over, too many ways I was putting myself out to lovers that really couldn't offer me what I deserved. Too many ways I was hurting myself on another, an easy way to blame someone on the outside for my own self rejection. Letting myself be used, thinking sex was love, not understanding the fumblings of my own imagination about romance. The expectations, the lies, the ways in which I was hiding from having to deal with my own relationship to myself.  One after another and I can count about 6 different lovers, that I didnt investigate thoroughly before jumping into intimacy, and then blamed them for my own error, when I realized it was nothing more than hormones and romantic fantasy based in girlhood dreams of what love should or could look like. I didn' respect myself enough to spend the time to get to know them and let them get to know me.  A subtle form of self sabotage or I just didnt really want to get to know them?
Anyway the point is, over and over I let my heart take some real bumps and finally I think I just closed in and stopped trying...I decided there must be something wrong with me. Always a wounded child talking there, when we decide that. Is it ever REALLY about us? Its about a flow of universe that no one has control over

So now the healing must come from opening back up to all that is good and real. There is so much goodness all around me, so much happening in ways we cannot predict that is good for the earth, that is good for our souls. I want to be a part of that, to be a part of bringing that goodness here to this person, to this tribe, to this city, to this country, to this earth. So I gotta put the music on, its gotta go on and loud and I must wrap myself in it, cozy like a newborn baby.
As Susheela Raman sings "Woman, he doesn't know your worth, dont be tortured by a Mad Man, you've got to get out! The prison door is open".  A beautiful song off her album Salt Rain called Woman. We build our own prisons and then complain someone else put us there. We turn the music off and then complain the DJ sucks. The DJ never really sucks we just have to learn how to dance better. :)

Even if they are Holistic, they still make too much Money.

Finally. The hour has arrived where I can clear myself of this ridiculousness. RIDICULOUSNESS....is a word that has the word dick in the middle of it. Do I sound lewd? Well I dont really care. I give myself full permission to be tastefully lewd. Okay first I am going to pause and think positive thoughts and send love to all the people I am mad at right  now.......
Okay. Now I can be mad again.  Anyway every time I thought of them, I just thought, but they are so ridiculous how can I be mad, its almost comical. Except. It really isn't. It is REDICKULESS....meaning you were a dick again and were less than you could have been. Okay enough semantics. Lets get to the story.

First of all. If you have been reading this blog you understand that I have elected not to do chemotherapy. Brave girl that I am. Or some may say stupid. Or some may say, intelligient. Or some don't say anything because it is too overwhelming for them to take it all in. They just stare in wide eyed wonder and say "oh"...oh well. Anyway, the point is I ain't doing the stuff. So that means, the traditional guys want nothing to do with me, because basically I have defected. I have "gone holistic" as they like to say. Which means I now belong with the people that don't shower all that much and probably smoked a lot of pot in med school and believe in unseen realities that don't exist because they have a hard time believing in what is right in front of their faces, like "the facts". Because as we know our current reality, is solid and never changing and what we see it what we get. Based on facts. Its true. Just ask politicians. Ha! ....okay, anyway...you get my point. I am being sarcastic, if you didnt get my point and if you have been reading this blog, you know that I get sarcastic when I am really freakin pissed off. Because if I dont mask it with sarcasm then I might just say things that are mean. And blogging isnt about being mean. Its about ....I don't know what blogging is about actually. I am sure some would argue it is definitely not about literature.

Okay, so here it is. I defected from the traditional white coats, and headed over to the holistic white coats. Come to think of it this new guy wasn't wearing a white coat he was wearing a Yamulke...(spelling?) and a nice navy suit. His eyes were blue, like ice....or the ocean, depending on how hopeful I was at his savior abilities. And I sat there in my yoga back pack, girlish way, resting my chin on my hands that were perched on his desk, feeling comfortable to like break the body language of upright chair doctor's office posture, because, look this guy was in my tribe man, he wasn't no straight lace, boring nerd who actually took the text books as truth, he was a renegade, a rebel, he had defected too! He was HOLISTIC .....And jewish on top of it, alright, now we were allies!-- oppressed people, fighting for a cause, bucking the system, confronting the mainstream, challenging the cliche.....Right?

And there were moments, moments when I knew he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that not doing chemo was right, I mean he had serious moments when I felt, he really was taking this journey with me. This was a crusade, and he was my homey, we were riding the no chemo horse together, we were gonna go this distance, we were gonna make it.  And as I was thinking that, you know, the appointment ended a half hour after it started, $400 dollars later and I was being given some pills and sheduled for some Vit C IV, which he said...at least once a week if not twice is ideal. I paid a bunch of money, they gave me some sort of discount for a package of IVs and some shots of B 12 in my butt and I was in the elevator going down to Lexington avenue to walk thru a sea of suits and ties at lunch on a busy midtown afternoon. People were looking fancy, educated, you know sophisticated up there, like they must have it all together, look they aren't smiling, they must know something important, like about how to make money and spend it....oh I don't know maybe they were thinking about a hamburger, but they weren't smiling a whole lot and looked rushed and busy.

So I went home to brooklyn, yes way out there where there are things like trees and apartments the size of walk in closets and I looked forward to my first IV that next week. Well, that week came and went, I had the IV and I waited to see how I felt until the following week when I scheduled another IV...but that one felt so good, I said well, lets go for a second one in the week, after all my homey crusader Mr. Holistic Doctor said two in one week is ideal. Lets treat myself right! So I called the office feeling all responsible and on task...a good patient, a responsible patient, filled with hope for the future, trust in the Homey Holistic Doctor and grateful such a fine city like New York could provide me with such educated and sophisticated professionals in which to get my treatment.

" I am sorry ma'm" when did I start being a ma'm?-- " The office is on vacation for the next two weeks but we can fit you in on thursday...." Thursday??? Thats two weeks away! " Well we dont have anything available until then" Are you serious? I just was in the office four days ago and nobody mentioned this. " I am terribley sorry, the nurse wont be back until then, she is on vacation".....!!!!!!!!
Why would you reccomend a 1-2 time a week treatment and then go on vacation and not even tell me? This is RIDICULOUSNESS...." Well shall I make an appointment for you then? Anyway the doctor always says it doesnt really impact you if you have a gap of time between treatments" Oh really? Is that supposed to make me feel better, seeing as I just plunked down 3000$ for all these treatments that I "needed" and were good for me? Now you are saying I dont really even need them? I feel confused....either what you are offering doesnt really work or you have just screwed up my treatments plans royally and I paid for it. Okay yeah, put me down for next thursday, what else can I do? "Great see you then!" Yeah okay. Ridiculous office of ridiculous people...yeah okay. See you then. By the way did I mention, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and I am not doing chemo, but instead coming to your office to have you help treat me? I mean I don;t mean to be a pain in your neck, but in case you forgot.

Next wednesday rolls around. Oops, I double booked my mover with the Vit C IV date. I call them to change it to friday, because as we know, by thrusday they are back in the office. I call. I call again. I call again. I call a few more times....the answering machine keeps saying the office is open this week and listing the hours but no one seems to answer...and there is no recorded message of a holiday. " Hi the office is on vacation at the time you need them the most. Sorry if we didnt tell you before, but now you know" There was nothing....Finally I get ahold of a very nice, but nervous english lady. Hi, I need to reschedule to friday I double booked and can't change my movers. "Oh we are on vacation until the 7th--all next week and after the weekend" !!!!!!!! HUH? But they told me thrusday you all were coming back....Now it will be 3 weeks of no treatment. This is crazy. "I am so very very sorry, I completely understand. But everyone is on vacation" WELL NOBODY TOLD ME ANY OF THIS ESPECIALLY NOT THE UNTIL SEPT 7TH PART!!? Hey, did I mention, maybe its in the notes, I don;t know why they would write it down but maybe they would just in interest of the patient, but I am NOT doing chemotherapy so this IS my treatment, its not just, so like my hair doesnt fall out, its like so I dont get cancer ever again....and you all just prolonged my treatment by 3 weeks and I am about to reach thru the phone and pull out your english hair and weave myself a whip to bring back in to the office and have my way with you all. Yeah I got a little mideivel....midtown brings it out in me.

Well, I didnt say that. She was english. They don't like impolite american banter. I felt bad that she was getting the brunt of my frustration, poor little english secretary everyone just ditched to go on vacation...fielding all the hostile phone calls, who else didn't they tell? Was it just me? I certainly hope the doctor knew, I hope they weren't all out riding his yacht without him, where is the doctor? Oh shit, we forgot to tell him it was vacation time! Oh wait no, there he is, sipping a beer starboard, rubbing suntan oil on his knish belly while he dreams of his next big book " How to Cure People Without Being in the Office". For dummies.

Okay sarcasm aside for a minute....does anyone think this is RIDICULOUS to the maximum? As if this maze of doctors couldn't get any more, yes I will say it again RIDICULOUS....I cannot fathom how this could have happened. I mean, go down the list and call everybody. Put a mark next to their name that you talked to them. Call back if not. Go back over the list. I am not pro secretary of a doctors office, but I know if I had people with life threatening diseases, I would be up all night making sure they knew I was going out to my yacht for a few weeks with the nurse and all the IV's. I mean if only in interest of my book or in interest of my Yelp complaints or I dont know, in interest of my patients, the human beings that depend on me and my staff to do their jobs. Not just because we make shoes and people need good shoes, but because, people have cancer and diabetes, and epilepsy and because well, I make a ton of money to help these people.  And without their money, I certainly don't get a yacht, nor do I get a fancy suit, nor do I get a big office nor do I get the prestigious titles. Its really in your best interest.

But no. You would rather be ridiculous and rub suntan oil on your belly, while I pull out your secretary's hair and hold it for ransom. My book, is going to be better than yours. And for sure, you are not invited on my vacation.

What Else Am I Doing?

Please read previous post as it is the beginner for this one...otherwise it might make no sense to you and you will think I am a fruit cake writer. Well.

Anyway, what ELSE am I doing? Dancing alot. As much as my body will let me. Doing Yoga as much as feels right. I have recently started taking Belly Dance because I kept getting the intuition that I needed to get more in touch with my Hara, my solar plexus, ya know the ole midrif, belly wise place. And anyway, the chics are hot and the music rocks and all in all, you just get to do things in front of the mirror they told you good girls didnt do. So its my kinda scene. I try to get to the park and nature more often, but I find I get so wrapped up in everything I am doing, I kind of fall out of it sometimes.  And then I get antsy like crazy and feel like I am about to hop a plane or else I will start rolling in the dirt like a dog. Except the dirt in NYC has trash and needles in it and I wouldnt let my dog, if I had one, roll around in it. I was hitting the beach a few times which was nice. Out on Long Island...but then I found garbage floating in there too and I got the skivvies. I have been spoiled in Costa Rica....and I am thankful. Plus all the people at the beach, who can relax....I did take a nice walk at sunset but again, had to dodge the trash. Really, who would ever leave trash at the beach and why would I want to live around them?

I try and think positively and not go into the fear box. But it happens. Not so much about cancer, just about life....money.....love,....manifesting dreams.....getting older.....being childless.....2012......looking at the scar on my breast....wondering how God is gonna work all this out into some sort of happy ending fairy tale. Worried if I keep hanging back and expecting God to do everything, it won;t get done because he is waiting for me to do it....miscommunication. Mercury in retrograde kind of situation. But I thought you were gonna do it...No I thought YOU were gonna do it. And then it never gets done. Except I dont think it works like that. I keep trying to remember how it does work and then I realize I still don't know so really, WHAT am I worried about? Then I think about some sort of tatoo that will make my breast scar look hot. But is it good to put ink into the skin where cancer has been. HAS BEEN...Cancer is now a HAS BEEN....Fuck you doctors. Oops I am not supposed to say that....I am supposed to be grateful and feeling blessed by their presence because everything is God. Well then, the fuck you is too. And I am grateful for them. But ya know....they can stay the f*** away from me for now.  Somehow I become a ghetto porn star when I start to talk about doctors...they bring it out in me...maybe cause they all seem so white and civil and like they need a good lay.  Thats another post.

I try to speak my mind MORE. Its been a bit awkward. I think I burned a few bridges with some folks. But I didn't do it lying....so ...so be it if they are really burned.  I feel the Kali in me coming out super strong, burning and slicing with her sword...just the things that are false. It can look negative, but what I really think it is, is just FIRE. And letting go of this idea that I have to be a nice girl all the time. I feel like I wanna get really BAD but then I also realize this may not go over well with certain people. I have to learn this art of the bad girl.  Who knew this could be the healing for me....Of course gratitude and humbleness....this is always the teaching. Arrogance and righteousness, I still struggle with am I being arrogant or am I just BEING the fire that is my flavor?. And then I see that anger is not a feminine trait I have been conditioned to accept as being okay.  And so I have stuffed it into this breast and look at the mess it got me in. So thank you, I will get angry when it is appropriate and be grateful for its force and fire.  Honor the force that is anger...the wild storm of Kali has her place too next to sweet and humble Kuan Yin.  I can feel my breasts getting perkier already....

What Am I Doing?

Well now that Chemo has been taken off the list....now what? Many people have asked me this, with a bit of a look of bewilderment in their eyes....so no chemo? And....now what...?  Now what I ask myself.

Well there is the physical reality, such as herbs and supplements.  I think in another post I will list them all. To think of them all makes me dizzy...In fact right now writing this I realize I need to order about 10 more, because I am running low. So there is that. Herbs, supplements and more hard core therapies like Vit C IV, Avemar (an immune booster) and soon Mistletoe Extract. Mushrooms (not the psychedlic ones-yet). Liquid this and liquid that...all the things for my smoothies...maca. bee pollen, flax, spirulina, berries, green powder. I eat mostly raw, lots of greens, smoothies, green juices...its boring. An indulgence is natural potato chips in olive oil and almond butter. Pms is brutal....all I want is veganaise. Its pathetic. Sometimes I am so tempted to just order a bagel with Tuna salad and swiss cheese-my favorite comfort food, and I wonder...Really? Will this one meal really impact me that much? But then who wants to find out down the line sometime......thats the rattle in the head. And I go to my standard avocado on rice cakes....big splurge! I am not supposed to do rice to much if at all and limit my fats. With fat in the blood the oxygen can't get in and thats what we want to make the cancer go away. Oxygen...muy.

Yes I have a Holistic Doctor. He is jewish, he wears a suit and tie, he folds his hands neatly on his desk, he seems to be talking to something "out there" because he rarely looks at me and when he does his eyes are very penetrating. But the flicker a bit when I meet his gaze undisturbed...no doctor is every going to intimidate me again and I let them know with one look "listen buddy, I am just as smart as you and I may not have been to medical school, but I got an intuition that will bite you, so just simmer your Mr. Hotpants Brainiac down". So far its working... He has a new daughter and her picture is on the desk and I pointed to it and said,,,ah so is this  your daughter, to which he replied with a smile....Everybody has that soft spot for their kids. That was our one heart to heart. After that he was back to business. He wears a yamulke ....no idea if I spelled that right.

I go in 1-2 times a week and they pump vit C in me and its cold and I read Alex Grey's Transfigurations which sits on the table and watch all the interesting sick people come in. The other day I watched a 5 year old get held down by 3 adults for some shots. Its live action in this place...They lay me out on this nice leather lazy boy where the bottom comes up for the feet? And I just pretend God's breath is being shot into my veins and that Alex Grey is speaking to me thru his visions. I think this all might be true.  The other day a very annoying guy with dyed hair was sitting across from me, very obviously agitated by the nurse not being there yet, and very much wanting somebody to know he was agitated and I had so much fun, pretending I was so absorbed in my book, I hadn't noticed.  Just letting his agitation arise from not getting the attention that he wanted....I kind of was absorbed in the book, this Alex Grey has some good stuff to say. Then when the guy was like borderline ridiculous, jumping out of his chair every 3 seconds looking for the nurse thru the plexiglass, I looked up from my book at the guy and said "Why dont you just go and find her?" to which this seemed to be the okay for him...it was like I had released him from  his little prison...its okay to be agitated dude, do something about it already. Jeesh. I am trying to let God in here please...thank you. He kept whipping out this little brush and combing his dyed hair too, it was really weird. Nervous tick or something...Grace is the nurse and she is the best thing about the place. I am sure she works way to hard.

But besides this....what else am I doing?

You see the thing is, this cancer story is not about "not dying". Its not about getting rid of cancer so that I can live a long and happy life. Of course it is about living a long and happy life, but if I am truly honest with myself, before the cancer, I was having some deep things troubling me and I don't think I was living as in tune with the soul as I deeply wanted to be. There were pockets of intense separation from life, of missing something I could not put my finger on, moments of finding it so full and rich and deep inside, only to be lost again in the darker corners of self rejection, and a sense of belonging no where, of not finding a sense of rightness, of connection, of purpose. And of aching to find that "fit" I thought others were finding with a partner or work or a place....a sense of belonging.  The truth is I had those things, but when the darkness of the soul comes, it covers everything in grey, and the gems of your life look pale, as if their sparkle was the lie, not the actual lie itself.  Its tricky that part of the soul. But it plays it's part in the healing and the growing, in the flowering into the actuality of our light. We are light. Its not a nice spiritual idea. Its the truth.

So the thing is in this chemotherapy/breast cancer journey is on the outside it looks like one must save their life, prevent death.  But, to me what I have found, is what life? What life am I preserving? Because even before the cancer I was in a way rejecting my life, and not fully living. Many people would argue with me and say "oh you live this fabulous life between NYC and Costa Rica with these amazing communities of dance and living in a tribe and celebrating the healthy life on the earth....and this is true, life has showered me with blessings. But inside, there was a disconnect happening, a deep rejection, a sense of carrying something in me that would always be broken, that no matter how many dances/ceremonies/people I could find, this broken part could never be fixed.  And I feel the breast cancer came to wake me up out of that lie, and to give me back life, to shake me out of that dark corner of illusion.

Its tricky with western medicine. I want to believe their charts and graphs and studies are based on something I can hold on to.  That the men in white coats can be my heroes and "cure" me. Except their work is based on an idea that makes absolutely no sense to me. That the body is somehow separate from our souls, that it is just this machine we have to fix, and that our hearts and minds have no bearing on it. There is a whole branch of medicine and science that they simply don't look at, that they aren't allowed to look at and an industry that is making a ridiculous amount of money off of the same treatments.  How can I blindly follow that? Especially when I know this cancer is not about "saving" my life, but about living life, that to really live life, I MUST follow the inner heart, the inner knowing.  To really stand for what I know is the truth. And the truth is we don't know life's plan for us. And one day we will die, life is not "ours", we will have to surrender these bodies back to the earth, and continue on in directions none of us really knows, but can only trust are there and are kind. So the real issue is not preventing death, death is inevitable, the real source of contemplation is how do we want to live?

From that question, I arrive at the knowing that chemotherapy is not the only way and that nature is our friend and ally, she is our mother and she does have the ability to cure.  I am sure I could do the chemotherapy and be fine, minimal side effects (maybe-hopefully no long term ones either) and I would move on with my life, its not like chemotherapy is the outright devil. . I don't look at it that way.  But chemotherapy does tax the body in an intense way, it kills not only cancer but healthy cells as well and there is no guarantee that the cancer wont come back. There is no guarantee that a cancer cell may have split off after the chemo missed it and now, the immune system is so depleted after the chemo that it can't do its job to take care of it as it would naturally.  But to do chemotherapy without at least allowing in the wisdom of nature, without at least looking for alternative ways that are based on the foundation that the body/mind/spirit are all connected, seems to me backwards.  Chemotherapy should be a last resort....unfortunately cancer has become such a big ugly thing, that the fear factor kicks in and I have found myself making decisions from a place of panic rather than giving myself a chance to take a breath and tune in. Why would a health care provider want me in a state of fear, if he or she really understood how that impacts our health overall?  What kind of awareness is that?  And do I want to follow that kind of guidance? Coming from that kind of thinking?

This is the way of life I wish to return to, a way of life in trust, to create life out of this cancer challenge. A new LIFE...not a fear of dying, or a running from dying. But a deep embrace of life, a deep embrace of living fully. And I just think that life lived fully is about trusting the body and listening deeply to her call. Cancer is not a death sentence, and it is not an evil monster, nor is death....To embrace life we must embrace death, to embrace timelessness we must embrace time, everything in its right place, every part plays itself in harmony with all the other parts.  And I have no doubt chemotherapy is playing its perfect role as well, except for now, not on my time.....

To Chemo or Not to Chemo....that is the question.

Yes, they had told me....CHEMOTHERAPY. They told me their numbers, they showed me fancy charts with highlighted arrows and lines so I could find my place in their world of numbers. My oncotype test, a test that looks at gene expression and then puts that info in to some fancy algorithm that then calculates your score of recurrence in 5 years, was 44. "To high" my doctor said, "Not to do something about"....A 30% chance of recurrence, even with 5 years of tamoxifen a daily pill I am supposed to take which causes bone aches and liver damage and just overall weirdness in the body, not to mention birth defects if you have a baby. Anything that causes birth defects, is probably pretty out of tune for the body in general, no?  Then they plugged my numbers into a computer to show me how each different type of chemo would work ....this chemo gives you this number, this chemo gives you this number, this chemo may cause kidney damage, liver failure, a bald head, no periods, possible infertility and massive retching, but look your score went down 4% for rate of recurrence. My question was,...where are these numbers coming from and how do we know anything else about these people besides they were doing chemo?

I mean, if one woman is doing greens and herbs and started Reiki and also does chemo.....how do we know it isn't the Reiki that cured her? And how do we know that the people who did have a recurrence weren't out every night at the local bar slinging back martini's and eating chicken wings? How do I know if anything has even spread if my insurance won't even approve the Cat scan to check my whole body? And why does that same insurance approve the chemotherapy so fast?  Aren't these values a little off?....Lets approve the harsh treatment, but not the test that could possibly show if we need the harsh treatment to begin with. Excellent logic kids. I hope you at least make some money from the drug company somehow.....they certainly have enough of it.

Then I thought, well maybe he is right, maybe I do need the chemo and its just one of those phases in life that you may not like, but it just is what it is. So I went in again to his office and sat in the nice chair and waited for him to come in. The big evil doctor....except I actually really like my doctor and actually joke around with him and find him to be a generally nice, caring human being.  He likes to travel, that's cool, he has these funky Mexican rugs on the wall and art from Colombia and pictures of big elephants that I think he found somewhere in India.  And he wears these light yellow linen blazers or he wears a colorful shirt...he has flavor for a middle aged New York doctor. I like that.  He is also a toucher, he likes to pat my hand in a fatherly way or take one of my hands in both of his big hands, I mean, he knows how to work the fatherly charm with a little twinkle in his eye, kind of on the edge of flirting but not like in an offensive sleazy way, in a cute doctor sweet way.  He's got it down.

So he goes over the charts and graphs with me again, the highlighter comes out, he highlights my place on the graph.....he sits next to me and writes out what my platelets need to be,  he says I wont loose my hair and that he can prescribe me anti-nausea medicine and synthetic marijuana that comes in pills. Oh wonderful, more drugs!  I joke about wanting the real thing and will it get me stoned like that, and he laughs and says maybe if you put some Grateful Dead on....we laugh....its funny. Its nothing this chemo stuff, its like smoking a joint and listening to some Grateful Dead. The chemo room has snacks and t.v's and you can listen to music while they inject you with the stuff, you can watch CNN and snack on graham crackers and snapple.  "I don't want you thinking about it" he says, "I want you working and living your life and not thinking about it at all, don't read that stuff on the Internet, it will drive you crazy". Oh. Okay. I should just like turn the other cheek and hope for the best? Not make an informed decision? Like maybe if I was informed I wouldn't do it.  He hands me the forms to sign.  Then he mentions, and I still cant figure out why he mentioned this to me, "you know the same people who created chemical weapons, created chemotherapy" like agreeing with me it was a freaky situatiThere happens to be a long list of side effect at the top.  I ask him about them because he doesn't mention them. HE DOESN'T MENTION THEM...????

I start to read them, possible kidney failure, possible this, possible that.....as I ask about them he crosses a few off that don't apply to my special chemotherapy drug mixture. But he still doesn't talk about the other ones NOT crossed off.  Well, what about those? I ask. But its really like he doesn't want to talk about them. And some part of me doesn't want to either. Its so much easier to sign the form, smile and joke, go out and live my life, stick out my arm on the day of treatment and watch CNN while they download my body with toxic chemical warfare and just bury my head in the sand.  Its like he was waiting for me to take the hook, like waiting for me to just say, yeah okay, I don't need to know about the side effects, they have snacks in the chemo room and after I will be stoned, no problem! This is no big deal.  Maybe this is the best way, a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down....Except, we still don't know if the chemo is medicine and if it will stay down and not come back up in a big ugly way. ha ha.

At that point in time, I just want relief and for this to be over, so I sign the papers and figure I can renege later.....instead of sitting there, feeling like he is waiting for me to just sign already and stop asking questions. Some part of me wished I could just trust him and he could be my hero and this could all be over and I could move on and live my life...but the thing is, something in side knows....I just don't think I can stick out my arm and accept that stuff in my body......I don't care how comfortable the chemo room is and how much I like my doctor and how nice and stoned I get....something in my gut won't give.  I walk around for a week telling people I am starting chemotherapy in a week on Tuesday.....I do this alot. Make a decision and change my mind and this was a perfect example of a time when I did that but now understood why. You make a decision and then you walk around and wear it for awhile to see how it feels...like buying a dress and wearing it at home but then later, taking it back to the store. I was trying chemo on....seeing what the universe thought, seeing how life felt with chemotherapy on my schedule. I had an appointment for chemotherapy...hmmm.....what would I wear....would I go to dance class that night? Would I go alone or take a friend? Should I do a ceremony before I go in, like bless the drugs and light a candle....play chant music while I let it come into my body...what would it feel like?  Would I start to loose hair immediately? Or would it just thin slightly like he said.

The Sunday before that Tuesday chemo appointment I had a call with a "medical intuitive", a guy based in Florida, who a friend who I trust, had referred to me.  This guy felt the chemo was no good....that women were getting over treated and that breast cancer was actually a result of the Epstein Barr Virus that we were getting from the vaccines that we get as children.  His theory, and supposedly the man "hears spirit" was that the vaccines were created so that it actually give us cancer....keeping the "cancer machine" running. Pretty out there stuff. But I must admit, some part of my intuition was in tune with it. He recommended I eat ALOT of fruit, which was counter to everything all the other holistic people had been telling me, that cancer feeds off sugar and I needed to stay away from it...including fruit, except for berries.  The medical intuitive also prescribed some different supplements and tinctures, some mushroom stuff and some other stuff...and more stuff. My god if I take anymore stuff I am going to explode. Then he said in regards to the chemo"You know, whatever you want to do, I support you, but you should really think about it". He said he would call some of the doctors he works with and ask them about my particular case and get back to me. He charges me $300....I go to the beach with my girlfriend and eat french fries because I am so confused...with mayonnaise.  Well, he did say potatoes were okay. And onions. We had onion rings....bad cancer diet day. WHO is telling the truth? The doctors or the holistic people? I feel pushed and pulled. I lay on the beach and try to commune with god but my mind is racing.

The next day, I wake up crying. It is Monday. I do chemo Tuesday. I don't want to do chemo and I feel so helpless....I cry. How do I get out of it? My parents will kill me, I signed the forms and if I don't do it what if it spreads and I die? But I really, just cannot do it....So I get up and I pray and I ask God and the angels, I say "I need a really REALLY clear as day sign, because you know how I get and can't make decisions about things, so its gotta be super clear, the writing is on the wall  kind of sign....please?". Ten minutes later the medical intuitive calls and tells me all three doctors he calls thinks chemo is over treatment for my case and I would be fine with holistic therapy...We talk for 45 minutes and he only charges me $40. He tells me he held off on 3 other calls to call me and he has a special feeling about me....hmmm....I bet he says that to all the girls.  I email the chemo doctor.  I am just not ready I say, I would like to "postpone", but I fail to mention "indefinitely",  I keep that part for myself.